iwasmore | (no subject)

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krem brulee

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Noah had never met someone quite like Cremisius. In particular, he'd never met someone who had been born one gender but wanted to live as another. He knew of the concept, vaguely, but it hadn't been something that he'd ever encountered back in Virginia. He thought it might be called simply cross-dressing, but didn't think that really covered it.

So, he decided to put his phone to good use beyond sending his friends the little picture things, and googled it. He wasn't sure how much time had passed during his research, because time never meant much to him, but by the time he was finished he noticed the sun had gone low in the sky.

It didn't matter that it was nighttime, he still searched the city for a store that might have some of the things he'd read about. He popped into closed stores, open stores, goth stores, and costume stores...specialty items were harder to find than he thought. Eventually, though, he thought he found what he was looking for.

And then he stopped existing for awhile, he was pretty sure, because it was daylight when he found himself at Krem's apartment. He appeared in the bathroom, and treated it like his bedroom back at Monmouth, opening the door and peeking into the apartment proper.

"Hello?"

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Krem was in his living room. He didn't work today and was giving himself permission to be lazy--or, rather, more lazy than normal, since he wasn't wandering about or hanging around the gym, and he'd even stayed in bed a while after he'd woken up and gone grocery shopping for the week already. From his position on his couch, Prunam seemed to hear the noise of the bathroom door opening first. She rose from where she'd been curled up on Krem's chest and walked across his stomach and groin to jump onto the back of the couch.

"Thank you, cat," he grumbled, just as he heard Noah's voice. Hearing him made Krem smile a little bit, though he restrained himself from seeming too overly excited; overly strong emotions seemed to overwhelm Noah, and Krem didn't want that. He sat up and called out, "I'm in here, Noah."

Prunam came up to greet him and Noah grinned, bending down to pet her. She purred and rubbed herself around his ankle before he scooped her up in his arms to carry her into the living room with him. His happiness to see her was only eclipsed by Krem's voice calling over to him.

"Hi," he said, otherwise silent as he entered the room. He couldn't help feeling a little shy. It wasn't different than randomly showing up around his other friends. They were used to it, but it was still new with Krem. "I hope you don't mind that I came during the day."

Krem smiled, pillowing his arms on the back of the sofa and tucking his chin into the space where they crossed over each other.

"No, I don't mind," he said softly. "I do have a front door though, you know." He didn't know if ghosts used front doors normally, or if this was something to do with Noah's strange comings and goings. But it felt like a good-natured way to tease him.

Noah admired Krem's smile a moment before replying. "But that would be so pedestrian," he said in his best old money Virginia Gansey voice. He mentally sent an apology out to Gansey, knowing he wasn't really like that.

He perched on the arm of the sofa, settling Prunam in his lap. "I actually came for a reason, other than your ridicule," he teased back. "Are you free this afternoon?" He glanced out the window, making sure it was afternoon. Seemed about it.

Krem snorted. The accent was posh, and it certainly put him in mind of good breeding and money. He shifted his position from the back of the sofa to Noah's leg when he perched on the arm, still smiling softly.

"That depends," he said, shrugging a little. "Are you occupying me, or are we actually doing something?"

"Am I..." Noah realized what Krem meant a moment too late, and blushed. He even momentarily forgot why he'd come. It really wasn't fair, how easily Krem could fluster him. "Oh my god, stop looking at me like that! I wanted to take you somewhere."

Krem laughed and stretched up, rolling off the couch and onto his feet. He was still dressed for going out, having been out to get his groceries, but he'd taken off his shoes and socks.

"Is it a fun place? Where are you taking me?"

"It's just a store," Noah said, judging his own terrible choices with a pang of regret as he watched Krem put his shoes on instead of taking things off. "I can totally occupy you after, though, if you want." He smiled winningly, trying not to look too eager or hopeful.

Krem smiled, finishing lacing up his boots. He came back over to Noah and gave him a soft, swift kiss. It was nice, he thought, to be able to kiss someone and be soft and familiar with them, even if he wasn't sure he could do it outside of the walls of this apartment just yet.

"Well, let's see this shop, and then we'll talk more about occupation plans later, hm?"

"Okay," Noah said softly, smiling to himself. He set Prunam on the floor with a little goodbye pat, and joined Krem.

"The store is on 45th and Peoria, so we can take a subway, or...I don't know, if you have a bike, or something. It's not too far, but I don't know if you want to walk..." It was too bad he couldn't just take Krem with him when he disappeared, and reappear with him at the new location.

"However you think is best. I normally just walk everywhere." He wasn't particularly good with street names, but he was getting better at locations and landmarks.

He hummed softly, the tune of the song that Noah had taught him. "Squash one, squash two..."

"I don't mind walking," Noah said, and opened the door for Krem, to show him ghosts did know how to use the front door.

He followed Krem out the door and hurried to walk alongside him when he heard the humming. When he realized what song it was he beamed and immediately started singing along. "Squash three, and on and on and on..."

Krem chuckled a little, humming and singing along softly as he walked with Noah. It was relaxing and comforting. He tucked himself in rather close to Noah, though he kept his hands tucked into the pockets of his hoodie to keep from chewing on his nails or holding Noah's hand like some sort of love-sick girl.

It was a nice afternoon, and he was glad to be out in it, and glad to be out with Noah. He snuck a smile at Noah, shy and happy.

Noah was filled with pure, unfettered joy. He couldn't believe Krem remembered all the lyrics to the Murder Squash song, and that he wanted to sing it with him. It was a beautiful late summer afternoon, the sky was blue and Krem had a pretty voice and every now and then his elbow would brush Noah's. In that moment Noah felt as close to human as he could.

When the song finished, he started humming an old Sum 41 song, but stopped midway through to smile over at Krem. "You should teach me a song from your world, sometime."

"Most of the songs I know are the dumb drinking songs we made up, the Chargers," Krem said with a laugh. Then he shrugged a little. "I guess I know a couple Chants, but those aren't really good, fun songs to sing. They're all religious, ugh."

He made a face and shrugged, and tried to think if he knew any songs that weren't about the Chargers or from the Chantry. There were a couple of Maryden's songs, and they were alright, he supposed.

"I'll think of something."

"Alright," Noah said easily, although he wouldn't have minded drinking songs, or even maybe the religious ones if it was Krem singing them.

"Do you want to know what store we're going to?" he asked, glancing over at Krem again. He smiled, something sly and teasing. "You're being awfully trusting, just blindly coming along with me."

Krem shrugged a little bit. At some point, while they were walking, he'd taken a hand out of his pocket and was chewing on his thumbnail absentmindedly. He smiled a little bit, bumping Noah with his hip.

"I assume you're not going to chop me up into little bits in the woods or something," he said. "But I wouldn't mind knowing where we're going, if it doesn't need to be a surprise."

Noah reached up and absently closed his hand around Krem's, trying to gently extract it away from his mouth. Chewing fingernails was a bad habit.

But not a moment later his hand slowly dropped and his face fell, lips parted and eyes unblinking. "No, I'd--" He looked down, dragged in a breath he didn't need, and shook his head minutely, pulling himself out of it. Krem hadn't meant anything, it was nothing.

He cleared his throat. "I researched transgender people last night. I hope that wasn't-- I hope you're okay with...I found a store with things you might be able to use..."

Krem faltered, knowing he'd said something very wrong as Noah got that troubled look. For a moment, he had that eerie, almost surreal look that put a worried, sympathetic pit in Krem's stomach. He wanted to say something to fix it, but was fairly certain he couldn't; instead, he reached to catch Noah's fingers gently.

And then Noah was trying to recover, to explain where they were heading, and it was Krem who was lost. "Transgender? I don't..." He shook his head a bit, chewing on his lip now. "I don't know what that means. What is it you think I need?"

Noah let Krem hold onto his fingers, let it ground him. He'd been rattled, but he was starting to calm down. He focused his thoughts instead on the things he'd read yesterday.

"Oh, it must be called something else where you're from." Noah lowered his voice, not because it was a shameful topic, but because they were in public and he wasn't sure how comfortable Krem was discussing it. "Transgender means, like you. Someone who was born one gender, but feels like they're another. I don't think you need anything, but there are binders, and books, and...stuff. I thought you might want to look. It's an LGBT store."

There were also packers and packer underwear, but Noah figured he'd bring up one thing at a time.

Something simmered in Krem for a moment, and he couldn't place it. Noah wasn't dismissive or hurtful. He meant well--very well, in fact. He had a word for it, words for things, and literature even. This was a place with literature on people like him. But the way he said it--feels like another, like one day he'd just stop.

Something simmered in Krem, and it felt an awful lot like hurt, or anger, or a long dead upset that he thought he'd gotten over feeling when he'd left Tevinter. His ears hunched up toward his ears a bit.

"Thank you, I suppose. For looking all this up."

"No, that isn't what I meant," Noah said, his voice coming out almost squeaking, and stopped walking entirely. "I meant it's not my place to tell you what you need. I just want you to know there are things if you want them."

He grabbed Krem's wrist, willing him to understand. After the things he read, all the people who were so hurt by misunderstanding, all the people who hurt themselves or worse-- he couldn't bear to think of Krem hurting like that. And he didn't want to be someone who hurt him. "I know it's not a phase. I know you're a man."

Krem did when he could to batten down the emotion roiling in his gut. Noah meant well, he meant so well, and it was a frustrating thing in and of itself that he was so good and kind.

Couldn't he have been a little misunderstanding or confused? Krem was sometimes, and it was his own skin he was in.

He looked at Noah's hand on his wrist and made himself deflate, slowly. He nodded a little bit. "I'd like to see the shop. To know it's there, at least."

Noah let go of Krem's hand. He wanted to ask what he'd said wrong, what things he was thinking that were wrong, but he couldn't get the words out. Instead, he managed a quiet, "I'm sorry." He thought he'd have a better understanding if he read about it, but ironically it felt like he knew less. Krem wasn't from his world, he didn't know what his experiences were like, what his life had been.

With his usual slouch, he continued toward the store.

Krem puts his hands in his pockets and walked next to Noah, quiet for a block or two. He tried to think of a way to explain it to someone who had never had to ask questions about themselves like he did, or had other people ask questions about them.

And then, he realized, that Noah had, he bet. Not the same ways at all, but Krem supposed that Adam and the others had asked Noah about being a ghost but looking like a boy, and what that was like. Krem had done it too. His whole chest blossomed with shame.

Quietly, he slipped his hand out of his pocket, and ran the back of his knuckles against Noah's. "Thank you for finding a word for it here. Words mean a lot."