iwasmore | (no subject)

Noah felt desolate and adrift. He'd never fought with his friends. Ronan would fight with Blue, Gansey would fight with Adam, Blue would fight with Adam, and every interchangeable combination between the four of them. Noah always managed to stay out of it. Someone would get mad at him, and he'd slump and go quiet and it would blow over. He didn't have the tangle of issues they had; his issues were mostly his corporeal state, and it wasn't like there was anyone to fight with about that.

Seeing Ronan attacking Krem, seeing the both of them fighting like they wanted to tear each other apart, had taken Noah back to a place he never wanted to go. The one thing he never wanted to think about. When you think someone's your best friend, and it turns violent with that person you trusted. Noah knew Ronan could be violent, but not with one of theirs. Krem might not have been Ronan's friend, but he was Noah's, shouldn't that have been enough?

And why, when Noah was so angry with him, did Ronan walking away hurt so much?

Noah had left the park without checking on Cremisius. He hadn't meant to, he just hadn't been able to hold on anymore. Now he found himself outside Hywell. He wasn't even sure how much time had passed between the fight and here. He didn't feel like he had a right to be here; what if Ronan was inside? He didn't want to look at him, right now.

Noah walked away, not sure where he belonged anymore.

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Noah was looking, and he realized his mistake - that maybe it wasn't the one he thought he'd initially thought he made. He stared, mouth parted, and bypassed Krem's following statement completely.

"Ours?" he tried, watching Krem's face for offense. He wouldn't have thought Krem would consider it part his. It felt like the closest thing to home he had. There wasn't a Monmouth here in Darrow, and his apartment meant nothing to him without anyone else in it. Prunam was at Krem's, and Noah left his phone and his money there, but, it was a lot. To share something like that with someone else.

Krem looked at him softly, lacing his fingers with Noah's. "It could be? I know you'd still come and go a lot, but it seems--"

It seemed natural to have him there. He filled a space in Krem's life, even coming and going sporadically, appearing in the kitchen or bathroom or wherever else without much rhyme or reason. It was strange, perhaps, to be so much in love so quickly. But it felt good to feel this much.

"Ours," he finally said, quiet and soft, and bumped his shoulder against Noah's.

Noah's miserable expression slowly lit up, his eyes going soft and dreamy, frown turning into a wavery smile. His fingers tightened around Krem's and he leaned in, kissing him, pressing his mouth to Krem's in between every few words. "Yes. I want that. Very much."

All thoughts of the other day left him for the moment. He tried to hang onto this feeling, onto being loved and wanted. This thing he'd never gotten to experience in life, and that he thought was impossible afterwards. But here it was, right in front of him. This perfect person.

Noah's elation was infectious. Krem smiled at him, nuzzled a little as they kissed. He sighed and, with his free hand, cupped the back of Noah's neck to hold him in place.

It tamped down on the guilt, for the moment. At least long enough for them to get out of the kiss and start walking. He had to say something. He had to learn how to talk about things, even when he didn't have all the words.

"I love you, amatus."

[continued here]