iwasmore | (no subject)

(no subject)

For the past two weeks Noah had been alternating between Hywel and Un Chat Gris. He hadn't wanted to go anywhere else, hadn't been able to muster the energy to visit anyone, to do...much of anything. He had no appetite, but it didn't matter, he didn't need to eat. What he didn't understand was why he was still so depressed; he made a choice because he thought it was what he needed, but maybe he was wrong. He kept rolling it over in his mind, again and again, wondering if all he'd done was made a terrible mistake.

He liked the cats at the café, they were a comfort. He'd let Prunam stay with Krem and he missed them both. For now, his shift was over, but he didn't leave just yet. Instead, he gathered a few cats and snuggled with them in one of the corner chairs, petting them until he could feel their rumbling purrs against his chest.

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Beth hasn't really seen much of Noah since her show at the bar, so she's gone out today specifically to look for him. The cat café had seemed like the best place to check, since he worked there, and she has fond memories of taking Daryl there once, how happy he'd looked being surrounded by all those cats.

As soon as she walks in, she sees Noah in one of the corner chairs. There's a cat immediately winding its way around her ankles and she pauses to scoop it up in her arms, stroking its soft head as she walks over to where Noah is sitting and then sinks down into one of the chairs beside him.

"Hi," she says, settling the cat in her lap and then putting her bag down by her feet. "I haven't seen you in awhile."

Noah's lost in his thoughts, distracted, so Beth startles him at first. He smiles automatically, but it's not exactly hard to muster one around her, even with how he's feeling. He knows he's been avoiding just about everything, and he realizes now that he's missed his friends outside of Hywel.

"Hi, yeah, I...haven't been out much," he finishes lamely. His smile dims a little, but he nods to the cat she's chosen. "Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn."

"She's cute," Beth says, letting the cat settle and then scratching her ears. "Not as cute as Anthony, but I think I have to say that or Daryl'd be mad at me for thinkin' another cat is cuter than his."

She's quiet for a little while, stroking the cat's ears and just sitting in comfortable silence with Noah. "How come you haven't been out much?" she asks finally. If he doesn't want to tell her, it's okay, but she wants him to know he can.

"Everyone's cat is the cutest," Noah says, feeling a slight pang, thinking of Prunam. "Like babies."

He doesn't mind the silence, he likes it, just having someone he cares about next to him. He's expecting the question, though he still isn't sure he knows the best way to answer it.

"Cremisius and I broke up," he says slowly, looking away, "and I've just been..." He trails off, shrugs a shoulder. "By myself."

"Oh no." Beth looks up at Noah again, her brows drawn together. "Noah, I'm so sorry. What happened? No, wait, I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to, it's none of my business."

She doesn't know Krem all that well, but he and Noah had seemed so happy at Christmas. That's not always an indicator of real happiness, she knows that, but it makes her sad to think they've broken up.

"It's okay," Noah says. He doesn't blame her for wondering, but he's reluctant to say too much, simply out of respect to Cremisius. It's his life, too, and Noah's not sure what he'd want talked about or not. "It's not bad, like. No one did anything bad. We just wanted different things, I guess.

It sounds like such a tv show explanation, but he doesn't know what else to say.

"It's been almost two weeks, so I'm...dealing with it."

Beth understands what he means when he says that and she nods, though her expression is still sad. For a little while, she'd wondered if she and Daryl wanted the same things, if they'd ever get married like she's always dreamed, if they would ever start a family. The age difference changes things, that's what she had thought, but she's wearing a ring now and she twists it around on her finger so the moonstone is hidden against her hand. She doesn't know why she does it, just that she doesn't think it's appropriate to talk about in a situation like this and she doesn't want Noah to see the ring and ask.

"I'm sorry," she says again. "It must be hard. Even if you're dealing, it's... well. D'you know Chuck? Chuck Hansen? Me and him dated for awhile before I realized how I felt about Daryl and even though I knew it was for the best, breaking up with him was... it was so hard."

Noah shakes his head, he's never met Chuck. He doesn't know why what she tells him surprises him at first, people start and end relationships all the time. Maybe because all he's ever heard about was Daryl.

"Feelings are stupidly complicated sometimes," he says, leaning his face against the back of the chair, looking over at Beth. "Do you still talk to Chuck?"

"Sometimes," she says, nodding and stroking her cat's ears. "Not a lot, because sometimes it's awkward, but I still care about him. Just because you understand someone might not be the best person for you to be with doesn't mean you stop caring about them, which makes it even harder. Which I figure you know pretty well right about now, huh?"

She misses being able to talk to Chuck like she used to, but she knows there's nothing to be done about it. She can't just force him to be okay with how things went, no matter how bad she wants to be able to consider him one of her friends. That's a decision he needs to make on his own.

Noah nods, because that's exactly where he is right now. He feels like maybe he ought to tell her, because it wasn't that anyone did anything wrong, and he doesn't want her to think it's from a lack of love.

"We had an open relationship," Noah says quietly. "It was what Cremisius wanted, and I thought I'd be okay with it. It's not like I've never liked more than one person at the same time before. But...it was just, not how I thought it would be. Since I lived with him, it felt like we were married or something." He blushes, because he knows how juvenile it sounds, but that's honestly how it felt. It's a struggle to explain, like it's been a struggle trying to figure out how he feels about it all. "So then he'd go be with someone else, and. I don't know. I guess I felt left out? I don't know. I guess it's just not for me."

"Oh, jeez," Beth says, then shakes her head. "I couldn't do that either, no way. I'm too... I just couldn't." She's sure of it already, even though she understands what it's like to want more than one person. At the end of the day, though, she wants Daryl more and she knows it would break her heart to see him want someone other than her. If they're only thoughts, she doesn't mind at all, but knowing he was with someone else would just hurt her too bad.

"But you didn't know, right?" she asks gently. "You wanted to try it for him and that's okay. It's okay to try somethin' and then have it turn out to not be for you. I'm sure he's not mad at you for that." What works for one person isn't going to work for everyone and that's okay, she thinks they both know that, but it must be so hard in the moment, trying to work through all those feelings on both side.

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