iwasmore | (no subject)

Noah felt desolate and adrift. He'd never fought with his friends. Ronan would fight with Blue, Gansey would fight with Adam, Blue would fight with Adam, and every interchangeable combination between the four of them. Noah always managed to stay out of it. Someone would get mad at him, and he'd slump and go quiet and it would blow over. He didn't have the tangle of issues they had; his issues were mostly his corporeal state, and it wasn't like there was anyone to fight with about that.

Seeing Ronan attacking Krem, seeing the both of them fighting like they wanted to tear each other apart, had taken Noah back to a place he never wanted to go. The one thing he never wanted to think about. When you think someone's your best friend, and it turns violent with that person you trusted. Noah knew Ronan could be violent, but not with one of theirs. Krem might not have been Ronan's friend, but he was Noah's, shouldn't that have been enough?

And why, when Noah was so angry with him, did Ronan walking away hurt so much?

Noah had left the park without checking on Cremisius. He hadn't meant to, he just hadn't been able to hold on anymore. Now he found himself outside Hywell. He wasn't even sure how much time had passed between the fight and here. He didn't feel like he had a right to be here; what if Ronan was inside? He didn't want to look at him, right now.

Noah walked away, not sure where he belonged anymore.

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Noah loops his arms around her in turn, but doesn't hug her to him the way he wants to just yet, too incensed. "Ronan just being Ronan? So I'm supposed to accept him trying to beat Cremisius up because that's just the way he is? It's not right."

He knows she means the part about Ronan saying they're over, but maybe they should be over if that's the way Ronan is going to treat him and Krem.

"You don't understand, Blue," he says, his voice wind-blown and faded in the way he looks sometimes. "I love Cremisius, and he loves me, and it's not like-- it's a big deal. I'm a fucking ghost. He has Adam, he should be happy! Why would he want to try and ruin it for me?" He knows he's just getting worked up again, the temperature lowering. He's probably draining Blue's energy without meaning to, so he tries to calm down. He doesn't want to disappear again.

She doesn't try to calm him, or move closer: she's almost frozen in place. Not the way she froze when Adam punched the wall; there's not a second of her feeling indignant or scared of this anger. But she doesn't do confrontation very often; in her house it's so often couched in sass; besides, growing up with psychics nips most arguments in the bud.

Blue shakes her head, but doesn't move away. She's not going anywhere; even if no one else feels inclined to keep them all together, she does. "No, that's not what I meant -- that's." She sets her jaw. "Whatever the hell Ronan thinks he has the right to get angry about, you don't hurt your friends like that. You don't hurt people your friends care about. You don't ask people to -- choose. That's no one's right."

That makes her angry too, ferociously so. Krem is Adam's friend too. Ronan's not just asking for choices to be made by Noah by starting fights with him. They're not supposed to -- there are too many other people who would love to hurt them to do this. Too much lost.

She blinks, though, at Noah's next words. "You love him?" she asks, startled out of wanting to rain down verbal hell upon Ronan. It's not a judgement, just honest surprise. She suddenly wants to cry, more than anything else, and can't place what caused it. Because it is a big deal. Because it shouldn't be happening like this. Ronan should be happy, with Adam and for Noah. He should be teasing Noah in the regular asshole way, not hurting him in the manipulative shithead way. Because it makes her feel weirdly lonely, like there's so much going on without her being able to affect any of it. Because she can't ever be caught up in love the way the others could be, because she's pretty much either going to fall even more in love with Gansey and lose him, or kill him herself, or both. Because she is anyway, with them all in one way or another, enough to make her chest hurt, and she can't do anything about anything.

Wanting to cry just makes her want to punch Ronan more.

"He's afraid," she bites off. She can feel herself shiver, but she doesn't pull away, offering Noah the energy if he needs it. As long as he's not dangerous, or -- right now, going somewhere -- she might as well be good for something.

Noah can hear everything, and it only makes him hurt more. It feels like someone came along with a spoon and slowly scooped out his insides, leaving him aching and without. He feels guilty for scaring her and worse for her loneliness. He moves, wrapping his arms around her, enveloping her small frame as much as his own lean, ghost body can.

He presses his face to her hair, a cross between a kiss and a nuzzle, and buries his words there. "I love him. Like I love you." And the others. Even Ronan, despite what he's done. It is different with Krem for obvious reasons. A love made different from intimacy, different experiences, feelings he doesn't share with his friends. A deeper love that he hadn't even realized was possible. Not for him. But at his core, he loves them all.

And Blue deserves to hear it from someone, even if it's just from him.

"Don't be sad, Blue. I'm not the only one."

Edited 2015-10-09 04:32 (UTC)

Noah suddenly wraps her in a hug. She has a flicker of guilt, she knows he knows more than people say and she hasn't even been trying to tamp it down. But the hug is too welcome to feel too bad, and she tries to press everything she's feeling, how stupid this whole fight is, how glad she is for him, into it when she tugs him closer, burying her head in his shoulder.

"I love you too," she says, fiercely, and is done with interrogating what the hell that means right now. It's important. It's more important than knowing.

She picks up her head, eyes wet despite herself, and can feel herself flush a little at that. "That's not what I'm sad about," she says, but she wants to ask him what he knows, and she stands on tiptoes to impulsively kiss his cheek for knowing to say it.

"I'm just. I'm happy for you," she says, and means it. "You get to be happy, and loved, and -- This whole thing is bullshit. We're not supposed to do this to each other." They, who have come so nearly to giving their lives for each other, who would, she thinks, are not the ones who are supposed to be ripping at the seams.

It's kind of amazing how something good can hurt so much, how Blue's words cause a physical ache in his chest. He finds himself having to hold back from crying, and he smiles instead. It's small, but earnest. He kisses her temple and touches her cheek.

"It's okay. It'll be okay. I'll...I'll work it out, with Ronan," he says, and he will. For her. For all of them, because she's right. They're supposed to be friends, especially now, more than ever. They should be pulling together, not falling apart.

"You shouldn't be the one telling me it's okay," she says, embarrassed, and allows herself a small smile back, leaning into his hand a little. Especially lately, she's kept herself a little apart, careful of physical contact, and the comfort is nice.

"And Ronan needs to work it out with you. He's the one acting like a dick."

She wants them to stick together, but she doesn't want Noah to let himself get stepped on.

"Why not? You don't have to mom me, Blue Sargent," Noah teases lightly, trying not to feel so apocalyptic over everything. It helps, being around Blue. She's good at making him feel better.

"But we both know he won't," he adds, wryly, his small smile disappearing. Ronan isn't exactly the best at talking, or working through his feelings in a way that doesn't involve driving dangerously fast in his BMW or punching holes through walls. "I'll find him. Later."

"I have to go find Cremisius. I haven't seen him since the fight. But, can we meet up later? If he's not...mad at me, you could come over to Cremisius' and we could all watch movies until we fall asleep or something. He's never seen anything."

"It's not momming to think you got the short end of the stick here," she retorts, but she's back to smiling a little. Noah's easy to be around. Maybe that's why she's so defensive of him. That and the fact that he sort of continually gets the short end of the stick, but that's a different story.

"Yeah, well." She rolls her eyes. "Someday he needs to learn how to speak." She knows Ronan way too well: she'd enjoy punching through a wall more than talking right now too. "Good," she says with what she hopes is a minimum of grump about it, because it is good. "Do it when you feel like it."

"Go," she says, and then nods, feeling sort of warm at the idea of just curling up with someone right now. "I'd really like that," she admits. "My family never really took us to the movies? Too busy and too expensive. So if there's something that everyone needs to have watched, besides like -- Star Wars, or Jurassic Park or The Lion King or something, you probably get first choice."

It's total momming, but that's okay. It's not like he actually sees Blue as his mom. And he appreciates that she cares about him. It means a devastating amount, actually.

"So no Jurassic Park. Even if that is an awesome movie," he says with as much of a smile as he can muster. "I'll text you later, with the time and Cremisius' address and everything, okay?"