(no subject)

[iwasmore]

All Noah wanted was to curl up with Krem, feel the warmth of his touch, but he wasn't even sure if he'd be forgiven for what he'd done. He couldn't remember it, but it must have been bad to make Krem hit him. He wasn't angry, he wasn't scared. He trusted Krem. Krem wasn't Whelk, Krem would never hurt him without reason. He must have done something.

Not Whelk.

No. Noah knew Krem better than he'd known Barrington. He knew things better, now. Things were clearer for him somehow, people were easier to see.

He was the one Krem had some reason to be scared of. What if he'd attacked Krem, become possessed by some other spirit? Could that happen to him? Maybe he was turning into that kind of spirit. Is that what Dean had warned him about; that he'd become a danger to others?

Noah looked for Krem. When he found him it was jarring, at first, because he'd expected the apartment. Instead, Krem was in a room of mirrors. Noah gasped and panicked, turning blindly to leave, and ran right into a wall. "Shit." He ducked down, though, staying pressed to the wall so he wouldn't be able to see anything else.

"Cremisius?" he said in a tiny voice.

So far his apology wasn't going as planned.

Comments

[krempuff]

Krem was in the process of closing his room for the evening, cleaning the equipment and covering the mirrors, when he heard Noah. He wasn't expecting it, and so he jumped. It was the first time that Noah had been to Off the Wall, Krem was sure--they had joked, a handful of times, about Noah coming to watch Krem work out, but as far as Krem knew he never had. After the Fall Festival and Noah disappearing again, Krem had been worried and speculative that Noah might have been displaced again.

He didn't like thinking about it. He turned around sharply to find Noah curled against the wall, hiding from--it took him a moment to realize it was the mirrors, and then Krem swore softly.

"Noah!" Krem made a shooing gesture. The room was covered in mirrors, and one wall was still fully uncovered. "Go wait outside a minute, I'll get you when it's safe to come in."

[iwasmore]

"I'm okay," Noah said in a tiny voice, still facing the wall. He didn't want to go, afraid that somehow if he left the room, left Krem's sight, he'd leave completely. It wasn't too terrible, anyway. The mirrors didn't hurt him, he just didn't like to look in them.

More than anything, he was relieved. Krem wasn't telling him to go away, he didn't sound scared. Still, Noah would wait there. He would save the apology for when he could see Krem and make sure he was alright.

[krempuff]

Krem swore softly again, and moved quickly, covering the mirrors up and then swiftly going to the door to shut it so that they wouldn't be disturbed. He kept his hands on the door for a moment, trying to figure out what to do, what to say.

Instead, he came over to Noah and sat down beside him. He stroked an hand up Noah's arm gently, and then, slowly, wrapped him in his arms.

"Do you know how long you have?"

[iwasmore]

Noah tipped and leaned fully into Krem's embrace, winding his arms around Krem's shoulders to bring them even closer together. It wasn't what he expected, but it was everything he needed. "I don't know," he said, unsure if Krem meant today or forever, but either way he couldn't be certain. He wished he could. "Castiel did something to help me, but I don't think it's permanent."

He pressed his forehead to Krem's temple, then his mouth to Krem's cheek. "I'm so sorry for what I did," he whispered. He pulled back enough to see Krem's face. "Did I hurt you?"

[krempuff]

Krem didn't know who Castiel was, but if he'd done something to help, then, in Krem's records, he was square. He wanted to ask what it was, how it was done--if by magic, or sciences, or something else; those sorts of things were important, in this place, and to him.

He shook his head. "No. No, you didn't hurt me." He was speculative, wanted to know if Noah was aware of the words that had come out of his mouth, the fears he had awoken. Krem's ribs had been aching since the Fall Festival, but there was nothing he could do about it.

"Did I hurt you?"

[iwasmore]

Noah shook his head. He had felt it, but it had only been a split second. The shock of it, or maybe just because of the way he was, had made him disappear entirely. Before and after didn't exist.

"There must have been a reason. You wouldn't just hit me for nothing," he said quietly, pleading with his eyes for Krem to explain. He needed to understand. If he was a danger, like Dean had warned him of, then he didn't know if he should be here at all.

[krempuff]

Krem ran his fingers into Noah's hair, gentling and soothing. Maybe it was more for himself than for Noah, to reassure himself that Noah was there and safe and concrete, even for just a moment. He curled himself around Noah, like he could hold him there indefinitely.

"You just..." Krem shook his head. "Said a few things that startled me. One thing that upset me a bit more than the rest. But I know you didn't mean to, and I shouldn't have--"

Krem shook his head again. "I'm sorry." He kissed Noah's forehead, and cheeks, and chin. "I'm sorry."

[iwasmore]

Noah soaked up Krem's touch, his kisses, willingly held and likewise holding, his own fingers curled firmly in the fabric of Krem's shirt. "Please don't feel bad, I know you wouldn't without a reason," he repeated, eyebrows furrowed and mouth in a perpetual, miserable frown.

"I don't want to leave," he added, his voice barely there. He had to force the words, not wanting them to be true. Not wanting any of this to be real. "Dean said I'd become a danger to others. I don't want you to have to see me worse than...whatever I said. I don't want to hurt you." He wiped at his cheek, feeling wetness there. "I hate this."

[krempuff]

Krem cupped the back of Noah's neck, kissing his cheek again gently. He wished he had answers, a timeline, a definitive of the how and why Noah was suddenly feeling so badly now that he was in Darrow, and why so much worse in the past few weeks when he had been fine when he first arrived.

"We'll figure it out," Krem said, much more calm and reassuring than he felt. "Dorian owes me a favor, at any rate. He knows about spirits. I'm sure he'll be able to do something."

[iwasmore]

Krem's touch and calm reassurance settled Noah's nerves a little. He wanted to believe him, and he desperately hoped there was something that could actually stop what was happening. He knew Cole, and other spirits from Tevinter, were different than what he was, but maybe there was enough basic similarity that Dorian really could help.

"I believe you," he murmured, resting his forehead against Krem's. "Do you want me to stay away until you find out? I'll understand, I won't be offended."

[krempuff]

"No," Krem said, emphatic and insistent and urgent. Needful and honest. "No, of course I don't want you to stay away, Noah, why would you think that?"

He tipped Noah's face gently, so their eyes met instead of the tilting this way and that they'd been doing. He met his gaze evenly.

"I love you, amatus. I want you here with me. If that's too difficult for you, then that's something else entirely. But I don't want you to think that you have to keep yourself away from me."

[iwasmore]

Noah looked into Krem's eyes, even if it was harder this way. Both talking about what was happening, and trying to be practical about it. The last thing he wanted was to be apart from Krem, but he also wanted to protect him.

"I love you, too, more than anything, but I don't know the rules of all of this. It's bad enough I hurt you with words, what if I hurt you physically?" he said, bringing his palm to press lightly against Krem's chest where he most liked to.

[krempuff]

"I won't let you," Krem said, firm and sure of himself. "I don't think you would. Even when you've dropped things when you've vanished, you've never done anything to hurt me or Prunam. Words sting for a moment, but I've got a thick skin. You didn't say anything hurtful."

Krem sighed, his turn to look down. He stroked a hand over Noah's knee. Noah's hand was cool and familiar and reassuring through the thin fabric of his work out t-shirt and sports bra. "You wouldn't hurt me, and you'd stop if I told you you were."

[iwasmore]

"But I don't remember it," Noah said softly, kissing Krem's forehead and temple the way he'd just done. "I don't want to say it wasn't me, but in a way it wasn't-- just. Promise me, if I act like that again, you'll do whatever you need to to stop me, okay?"

He slid his hand from over Krem's heart, to his collarbone, and up his neck. He traced the corner of Krem's jaw, like he was trying to remember every curve and angle, and followed with his lips. He slid his arms back around Krem to hold him.

"I didn't know it would get like this."

[krempuff]

"You just said something I was already thinking about," Krem said, soft, nonplussed. It was the truth, and nothing but it. Noah's words had been couched in things that Krem didn't want to think about, but they were words from the darkness of dreams and his own terrible thoughts, not from Noah himself.

He leaned into Noah's touch, and then his kiss, sighing as he fell into arms.

"I'd prefer not to do whatever I need," Krem said, soft and worried. "Slapping you seemed to work just fine."

[iwasmore]

Noah kept one arm around Krem's lower back, one across Krem's shoulders with his hand cradling the back of his head to he could hold him close. The hand on Krem's lower back moved slowly up and down, idly stroking.

"I prefer spankings," he said quietly against Krem's hair, an attempt at alleviating his mood.

[krempuff]

Krem let out a surprised, loose-jointed laugh at Noah's joke. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He was worried, upset that he couldn't help Noah on his own, mad that he hadn't told Noah about being dead before Noah had seen him with the face paint--and now Noah didn't seem to remember, unlike any other time he'd plucked a thought out.

"Not while I'm still at work," Krem chastened without any heat, then leaned in and gave him a sweet, innocent kiss.

Then, because it seemed the right thing to inform him, Krem softly said, "I think Thomas and I might have had a date? But I didn't ask him if it was or not, so I can't say. Is that alright?"

[iwasmore]

The beginning of Noah's smile faltered, the pleasure that had sparked from making Krem laugh dipping back down. How long had he been gone? Would it keep getting longer each time? He wondered if Thomas had told Krem about the Flare, and if Krem would end up getting hurt twice. He didn't ask. He couldn't, he was already too emotionally exhausted. He didn't want to think about anything. He wished that just this once he could sleep like a person. Curl up with Krem and drift off into somewhere peaceful with no worrying.

"You don't have to ask me," he finally said, not wanting the position of permission giver. He wiped Krem's tear away with his thumb. "You should do whatever makes you happy."

[krempuff]

"I'm not...asking," Krem said, cautious and worried, especially as he saw Noah's fragile good mood dip. He rubbed at Noah's knee gently. "I wanted to tell you, and I wanted to make sure you were still alright with me having feelings about him. In case it was, in fact, like a date."

He leaned into Noah's touch, relishing the affection as he always did. He lifted his hand and covered Noah's, smiling softly.

"I wanted to be honest about it. No secrets."

[iwasmore]

"I said I was," Noah said quietly. He kind of didn't want to hear about it, because it left him longing for what he couldn't have because he couldn't even exist all the time. But he also appreciated Krem wanting to tell him. He was caught between those two feelings, and was left with the awkwardness of it. He didn't know how to navigate a relationship like this, what was expected of him between Krem and Thomas.

"Did you have fun?"

[krempuff]

Krem chewed on his lip, feeling like he'd done something wrong by telling Noah rather than relieved for having done it. He was quiet for a moment, then shifted so that he was curled around Noah's back, his head resting on his shoulder and his arms around his waist. He knocked their knees together, his outside of Noah's.

Like this, for a moment, he felt like he could protect Noah from anything.

"We talked about his friend, from home, who's just arrived. His friend is sick--but Thomas isn't, and he's taking care of his friend, Newt. It was good to know Thomas has someone from home."

[iwasmore]

Noah curled into Krem's embrace and closed his eyes, pretending he could fall asleep like this, just like this, in Krem's arms. He desperately wanted to. It was almost peaceful, but Krem's words made Noah's stomach drop. He eyes flashed open almost as soon as they'd closed.

"But he is sick," he said, lowering the temperature around them without meaning to. "He was supposed to tell you."

That wasn't fair, that Thomas would keep it from Krem. Krem should be allowed to know what was going to happen, so he could be prepared.

[krempuff]

"No, no--Noah." He cupped Noah's chin and turned his head gently to meet his eyes. "He told me about the sickness from his home. I know about it. He told me he thought he was sick. But he's not, apparently. He thought he was, but he isn't."

He gently ran his fingers up into Noah's hair, rubbing his scalp gently. "He's okay. And you're going to be okay too."

[iwasmore]

"Oh. He saw a doctor? He doesn't have that Flare thing?" Noah asked, and the room temperature returned to normal. He leaned into Krem's touch, eyes closing halfway. He didn't argue. He didn't want to talk about his own deterioration right now. He just wanted to be okay and happy with Krem for a little while at least.

[krempuff]

"His friend told him, when he arrived--he's from a different when, I suppose. They were at the hospital a bit, yes."

Krem chewed on his lip, because it wasn't his business to be telling Noah about Thomas and Newt's business, perhaps. But he'd opened the can of worms, so now he felt he needed to.

"His friend has the Flare, but Thomas has an immunity, and it's helping him."