Noah Czerny

Noah was beginning to regret having not actually just ducked into a bathroom stall with Freddie. The offer to peek had been spontaneous, something he meant to be super casual and not the request he'd made at the mall that had caused another rift between them. But now the reception was over and Noah had driven Donna home, and that meant driving to Freddie's apartment and knocking on his apartment door - not to come over to hang out, but to show off what the city had done to him.

No matter what way he turned it around in his head, coming over to Freddie's apartment like this felt anything but casual. Even though that's all it could be.

He was over-thinking it.

Of course they could just hang out. They'd done it before a ton of times, it would be fine. Maybe he could even forget the boobs thing altogether, maybe it was a bad idea to begin with.

So Noah parked at Freddie's apartment building and knocked on his door, still in the dress he'd worn to the wedding, his hair pulled from its braid and lipstick reapplied. He told himself it was so he wouldn't look like a wreck on his last day as a girl, was all.

Noah holds his cellphone in hand, staring at the text. Nice linework, it says, with a photo of the portrait he drew hanging on display. He never figured Freddie would ever actually see the picture. It had been one of several portraits he'd done for class, and his professor had chosen it as the one to put in the student gallery. Noah hadn't invited anyone to come see it. He isn't sure why.

It was easy when I had such a good source of inspiration, he'd sent in reply.

It's been two days, but he hasn't received anything in return. And now he's staring at his phone like if he looks long enough a reply will just appear. Instead of calling-- but Freddie had agreed. Noah had been hurt and it's the only reason he suggested not seeing each other anymore, and Freddie had said okay and left. Noah had been bitter at first, that his friendship wasn't worth enough to even try. That he wasn't worth even an argument, that why, of everyone, couldn't Freddie look past what he was?

But now all he is is confused.

Noah exhales, and in the next breath he's outside Freddie's apartment door. Maybe this is a dumb move, or maybe it's dumber not to do anything at all. So he knocks.

[cont. from here]

Freddie's hand moves lower and so does his finger, and Noah's stomach flutters in anticipation. "We should probably stop," he says, a feeble protest. There are people in the pool with them. There are people on the patio. Literally any one of his friends could walk into this area at any moment and see this. And maybe they wouldn't see where Freddie's hand is, but they'd see Noah draped on him and he'd have to explain.

He tells himself to move away, but his body doesn't cooperate.

It's a slow day at Un Chat Gris. School's started back up and it's overcast, it's been raining on and off all afternoon. Noah's supposed to be studying, but he's restless and he can't seem to concentrate, reading the same paragraphs over and over. Since he's the only one here at the moment and there's nothing left to do for the cafe, he's taken it upon himself to comb all the long hair cats and decorate their ruffs with little ribbons. George Pernard Shaw wanted nothing to do with his adorable purple ribbons, but Abraham Slinkin is all about the attention, lounging on his back and purring while Noah clips in the bows.

The bell over the door rings while Noah is combing out a particularly nasty snarl, so he doesn't look up, but says in a welcoming voice, "Hi, welcome to Un Chat Gris!"

Noah wishes he could say he's not in his right mind, but he knows exactly what he's doing. He's sober in every possible way, too sober, which is why he's looking for another way to lose himself. He doesn't really do one night stands, which is evidenced by the poor decision he'd made of asking one on a date. Lesson learned, but there's still a problem: he doesn't know anyone else he can have casual sex with. Because that's what he needs right now. He wants that night with Freddie again, where nothing mattered except that it felt good. But Freddie is the only one he can think of to have that with, and he isn't sure Freddie actually wants to see him again.

In the end he decides to try. It isn't like he can humiliate himself much worse than he already has.

He finds Freddie the way he finds everyone else, but walks through the bar's front door like a human. There's a moment of hesitation, a gathering of nerves and courage, and then Noah moves to Freddie's side. "Hey."

[from here]

Noah's been getting hard since Freddie touched his stomach, so when he feels Freddie's cock pressed between them he's glad to find he isn't the only one. He moves his hand down to tug at the waist of Freddie's pants, aligning their hips so he has something to lazily rut up against.

"Okay," Noah says, dreamily, tilting his head so Freddie can keep kissing his neck, too, if he wants.

"Oh. Wait. Please, can I-- can I suck you first?" He blushes when he asks, but it's clear he wants it. He's never even seen a real cock in person, and now that Freddie wants more than just to kiss, his mouth is practically watering for it.

Having Gansey back in Darrow is incredible, and Noah couldn't be happier about it. It means everyone is here, mostly. Their friend is back, the one who brought them all together. Aside from the whole Darrow aspect it's how Noah imagined it would be in Henrietta, how he hoped it would end up for them.

Except...he's here, too. And he wouldn't be, back home. It's like some weird version of a future that shouldn't be possible. And he should be happy for it, and he is, he's not ungrateful, but he also can't keep these anxious feelings from creeping up at random. Back home it was the decaying - could he stay around long enough to do what he had to do? Here, it's more of a feeling that he doesn't belong. Like he's some alien species that should have gone extinct but somehow he snuck in, he's still hanging around. He wants to, he wants to be around forever, and that's the problem. After Darrow, when he disappears like Gansey and Bay, he'll just be gone. Dead for real.

It's like there's an invisible timer above Noah's head, and every now and then he can't distract himself from the ticking. Nothing is happening all at once, everything is unpredictable and unknown. He's so much more alive here, which only makes him more aware that he isn't.

At times like this when Noah is feeling anxious or maudlin he comes to the Necropolis to read. He doesn't know why it helps, being surrounded by the reminder of death, but somehow it does. It's quiet here. He doesn't have work until later, so he sits against his favorite tombstone (Agnes Teague, rest in peace) and opens his book. It's one of those old sci-fi paperbacks that would be like a quarter at the used book store, his favorite.

After the spell, when Noah began sleeping and eating meals and feeling like a real human, he'd gotten a calendar. He used to cross off days with a delight most normal people wouldn't take in something so mundane. He'd left the calendar at Krem's when they broke up, though, and ever since then he just hasn't paid much attention to what day it is. But he has to, now, to keep track of when he needs to be at Un Chat Gris in Blue's stead. He was gone for nearly two weeks, he owes it to her. No, he would have done it either way. She needs a break, and she needs time to process Gansey leaving.

So when his birthday rolls around, he knows. He doesn't feel like a party. He doesn't feel like anything, he just knows he doesn't want to be alone. Blue isn't at Hywel and he doesn't want to bother her with something trivial, so Noah respects her desire for privacy and decides to disrespect Ronan and Adam's instead. He appears where they are, in bed, and sighs up at the ceiling.

"Hi."

One of the worst parts about being a ghost had been Noah's inability to remain corporeal at all times. He'd hated it, fading in and out of existence. The spell, the talisman he wore around his neck, they prevented that. Now he existed at all times. He'd been grateful for it. He should, still, be grateful for it. He was. But at the moment he wished he could blink out of time and space and just not be. Just for a little while.

Breaking up with Krem had been a hard decision. Maybe the hardest he'd ever made. He'd given up the best thing in his life, when he hadn't even had to. Except that he did, because the best thing had been too much. Sharing his boyfriend was something he discovered was more difficult to do than he thought it would be. Maybe he should have known from the beginning, when Krem had told him about Thomas and it felt like his heart was being squeezed. But he thought it had only been because Krem hadn't told Thomas about him. He thought he could make it work, be whatever Krem wanted him to be because Krem had been worth it. If only Noah had been stronger, or less needy. More or less of whatever made a person able to be with multiple partners.

He wanted to be, but his emotions wouldn't cooperate.

So now he had nothing where there'd been so much, and he chose this for himself. He felt stupid, regretful, uncertain. Had he done the right thing? For himself? For Krem? But Krem wasn't willing to give up Thomas, or Hild, or his freedom to choose who he wanted to be with. Noah didn't have a right to ask it, but he thought that was answer enough. That was what Krem chose for himself, that was what he needed, and wanted. It wasn't what Noah wanted anymore, so this was all that could be done. He had tried, and he hadn't been able to make it work.

Noah pulled his necklace from under his shirt, lifting it over his head. He held it in front of his face. He'd left Prunam with Krem, and he'd almost left his necklace, too. Krem would have kept it safe, and if something bad happened, did it matter so much? It wasn't like anyone needed him around permanently anymore.

Maybe he shouldn't have tried playing at human in the first place.

Thanksgiving had been kind of painful. It wasn't fun when nearly half the people gathered weren't speaking to each other. He and Blue had tried to keep spirits up, but Ronan was brooding and Adam was quiet, and even Gansey seemed pensive, casting worried glances at Ronan and Adam all night. The food he'd brought that Krem had made was amazing, and Noah thoroughly enjoyed eating as much as he could fit in his stomach. The heaviness of the meal, the worrying and the awkwardness, left him tired. When Ronan got up from the couch to go to his room, Noah padded after him.

"Can I come in?" he asked, even though he'd already followed Ronan inside.