(no subject)

[iwasmore]

One perk to being dead is that when you leave someone's apartment after sleeping with them, you don't have to take public transportation home in the clothes you wore the night before. Of course, Noah does have to at least leave Freddie's apartment under the guise of being a regular person since he hasn't fessed up to what he is yet, but from there he simply leave-leaves and re-manifests into his bedroom at Hywel.

His hair is a glittery mess and he needs a shower, but he hears a loud noise from the other room. Without thinking too much on it he opens his bedroom door to find out what's going on. "Everything okay?" he asks, looking toward the kitchen.

Comments

[thedreamthief]

"The fuck?" Ronan grumbles as Chainsaw swoops up to hand atop the fridge, grinning down at the wreckage below.

The mug lies in pieces at Ronan's feet, a splatter of ceramic and hot, dark liquid and Ronan throws an empty container of powdered donuts at her in retaliation. With a delighted squawk she flaps her wings and flies up into the high up rafters. At the sound of another voice she calls out again and Ronan frowns as he crouches to clean up the mess.

He doesn't answer Noah, his words from the night below still echoing too loud in Ronan's head, just clenches his jaw as he collects the shards of splintered ceramic.

[iwasmore]

"Morning, Chainsaw!" Noah calls up with a smirk. He knows Ronan and the others get frustrated sometimes when Chainsaw is being particularly mischievous, but Noah secretly loves it.

Noah opens his bedroom door all the way and pads over to where Ronan is cleaning up the mess. Seeing the spilled drink he grabs a towel and crouches down to help mop it up.

"That was a good mug, too."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's frown deepens as Noah steps into the kitchen, still clearly wearing the same clothes from the party, his hair a mess. He makes no remark on the mug, but steps away to dump his handful of shards into the trash.

"Fuck off, I've got this," he says, the words no harsher then any other morning, but his tone certainly is. "Go take a fucking shower or something."

[iwasmore]

Noah goes still for a moment before looking up at Ronan, mouth parted, speechless. Even when Ronan's pissed off he doesn't talk to him like this, not unless Ronan is specifically pissed at him. Noah casts his mind back, trying to think of something he's done recently that would make Ronan mad, but nothing stands out.

The shower comment in particular hooks in Noah's chest and tugs, and he looks down at himself, wondering if everything he did last night is somehow evidenced on his skin. He thinks he looks normal, though.

Was Ronan at the party, had he seen him in the pool? Noah hadn't seen him.

"Hey...what's wrong?" he finally asks, voice quiet.

[thedreamthief]

Noah doesn't say a word, just stays crouched on the floor with his head tipped back to stare at Ronan with wide, hurt eyes. It's a familiar look, really. How many times has Noah been quietly scared of him? How many times has he kept it quiet, shoved it down in the way Adam's so often had to?

How long have they all been terrified of him?

"Don't," he manages, backing up a step toward the counter. There's still a patch of singed skin between two of his fingers, still a fading bruise on his side.

He is no that Ronan. He refuses to be that Ronan.

"Don't-- fucking cower, man. I'm not gonna hit you. Get up."

[iwasmore]

"What?" Noah asks faintly, now even more confused. "Hit me?" He stands up in one fluid motion, dropping the coffee-soaked towel on the island counter without taking his eyes off Ronan. He openly gazes at him, trying to figure out what's going on.

"I'm not cowering. I'm just wondering why you're pissed at me," he says, a touch defensive.

[thedreamthief]

"I'm not pissed at you," Ronan insists because that much at least is true. He's not pissed at Noah or Adam or-- fuck, he's not even mad at the asshole with his fucking face. He never has been.

He scowls down at the wet towel, now a stained brown. Then cuts a glare back to Noah. "So what, Freddie kick you out after breakfast?" he asks then, spitting the name like a curse. "That's real boyfriend material right there."

[iwasmore]

Shame flushes Noah's cheeks with heat, and he tries not to flinch, but he breaks eye contact. How did Ronan know? Then he must have seen them in the pool, the thought of which is so embarrassing that Noah wants to fall through the floor and disappear. He very nearly does, but he knows it would just make it worse.

"Listen, it's just..."

It's just what?

He knows how Ronan feels about infidelity, but he has no idea how he'd feel about the sort of thing he and Freddie are doing. But maybe he's just overthinking this, putting too much importance on it. And secrets just make things worse.

"We're not really dating."

[thedreamthief]

"Jesus, did he break it off already?" Ronan snaps, his irritation flaring hotter. He still hasn't even seen this kid, has no real idea what he looks like, but he wants to put his fist through his face. "How long did this one last before he decided to fuck off again? Couple weeks."

Noah's voice from last night still rings in his ears, Noah's claim that he and this Freddie have been together for awhile, that Noah's kept it quiet to spare Ronan's feelings. Whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean.

[iwasmore]

"Break what off? Geez, Ronan, you're really gonna make me spell it out? Just because you saw us kissing or something doesn't mean we're dating. Sometimes we hook up, it's not serious," Noah says, flustered and a little irritated. If he'd ever planned on talking to Ronan about it, it wouldn't be like this. But maybe it's not fair to think Ronan shouldn't jump to this conclusion. Maybe he thinks Noah has more self-respect than to sleep with a guy who he had a terrible date with, but it's not like he and Freddie were ever serious.

[thedreamthief]

"I didn't fucking see anything, you told me," Ronan snarls in reply. "And I don't want to know about you and--"

He snaps his mouth shut before he can go too far, though he knows it's more his tone and general attitude, general being, than the words themselves that will have Noah shrinking away from him in fear. His skin is vibrating as he balls his hands into fists, fighting the urge to take a swing at something, to drive his fist through a wall or the table or the fucking fridge.

He backs up instead, pressing himself against the lip of the counter as he crosses his arms over his chest. "Fuck it, I don't care, okay? You want to get a boyfriend, get a fucking boyfriend. But at least get one that doesn't treat you like shit."

[iwasmore]

"I did not tell you that," Noah says, smacking his hand against the counter in frustration with a tiny, quiet thwap. "I do not have a boyfriend, and I don't let anyone treat me like shit, okay? But I'm glad you don't care. I'm glad you're acting super calm and rational about all this."

And because he isn't actually mad, just confused and a little embarrassed, and because he doesn't want Ronan to be mad, he picks up the damp towel he used to clean up the coffee and throws it at Ronan's face.

[thedreamthief]

"Were you fucking high then?" Ronan replies, catching the coffee-stained towel before it can hit him in the face, lips still twisted in a scowl. "Are you high now? You said it, Noah. You flat-out looked me in the eye and said that you're dating him."

He leaves out Noah's pitying expression, leaves out the part where Noah'd admitted to being scared of him. Noah's not cowering right now, his lips almost curled into a smile.

[iwasmore]

"When?" Noah asks, at a loss. He can't rule out the possibility, he guesses, that maybe he'd say something like that if he was tripping out, but he hasn't been high for days, and he hasn't been that kind of high in a long time. He just doesn't get it, he hasn't mentioned Freddie to Ronan in weeks. He isn't that forgetful to have forgotten something like that.

"And why would I be scared of you?" he adds, almost laughing. "I hate to say it, but your scowly face doesn't really work on me."

[thedreamthief]

There are many things Ronan has little patience for, but bullshit is at the top of his long, long list. But there's no part of Noah right now that seems to be lying. His eyes are wide, cheeks flushed even as he laughs, his confusion matching Ronan's upset.

And then it hits him, realization like a cold slap.

"Holy shit," he breathes, nearly laughing himself now, breath catching tight in his chest. "Holy shit, there's another you."

[iwasmore]

Noah's mouth falls open.

"Another me?" he echoes. And then his face screws up and he does laugh, partially because the tension seems to have broken, partially because even after the other Ronan and everything else the thought of another him is downright bizarre. "There's another me who's dating another Freddie? What a weird freaking coincidence."

[thedreamthief]

For a moment, Noah only gapes at him, but then he's laughing too, the sound of it nearly as hysterical as Ronan's.

Whether or not there's another Freddie, Ronan has no idea and he's still refusing to think about Noah with the guy at all. Dating or not, there's obviously something happening. Ronan doesn't have any sort of claim on Noah and he knows it, but that doesn't mean he has to fucking like whatever it is that's going on.

But at least now Ronan's looking at the conversation in a slightly different light. He relaxes a bit, unfolding his arms though he stays leaning back against the counter, still watching Noah. "So I don't scare you," he says, tone coming off as somewhere between a statement and a question.

[iwasmore]

Noah makes a Ronan, please face, but then he really looks at Ronan and realizes Ronan believed that. What had the other Noah said to him?

"No," he says, wanting to be clear. Wanting to undo whatever the other Noah's impression of Ronan was. Maybe he was talking about the other Ronan, because that would make sense. That Ronan had been awful.

"Sometimes I'm scared for you." Noah scoots closer along the island until they're next to each other and knocks his elbow into Ronan's arm. "But I trust you."

[thedreamthief]

Noah's more adamant that time, his tone clear and Ronan watches him carefully for even a hint that Noah's only saying it because he feels like he has to.

But then Noah slides closer, bumping his elbow into Ronan's arm as his voice drops quieter. Slowly, the buzz under Ronan's skin settles and he lets out a breath. He doesn't smile, doesn't bare his teeth. But he does glance over at Noah, studying him closely. There's no reason to ask why Noah might be scared for him; Ronan already knows. Noah and Gansey are the only two who've seen Ronan covered in a mess of his own blood, they're the only two who've seen how fucked it can get.

His lips twist then, as does his stomach and he forces himself to ask, "You happy with this guy? Like... dating or just fucking around or whatever. Are you happy?"

[iwasmore]

Noah groans and looks ceiling-ward. Back in high school Whelk loved to talk about all the girls he slept with. Not only Whelk, the guys would brag about how far they got, where they did it, how many times with each girl. Noah would play along, you had to if you wanted to survive the wrath of their ridicule, when in truth he'd never done that much with any of the girls he dated. He thinks that's why some of them even liked him.

When it was just Gansey, Ronan, and Adam, these things never came up. Not even when Blue came into the equation. Any teasing, any conversation was always so much easier. Not that Noah could have offered up much anyway.

Here and Darrow he and Ronan sometimes talk about it. Maybe because Noah's more human, and probably because Ronan and Adam are having a ton of sex. (He doesn't even have to share a wall with Adam to know.)

But when it comes to this, now, even though it's a simple question of happiness, with the very nature of Noah and Freddie's relationship, he feels himself reverting to shyness. "It's not like, my first choice for the kind of relationship I'd like to have. But it's good. The sex, I mean. It's good sex," Noah says, fumbling over his words and wincing. "Geez, Ronan." And then, in some attempt to lighten the mood and maybe make Ronan as uncomfortable as he was just made, he grins and adds, "If you want you can come watch sometime. He'd probably be into it."

[thedreamthief]

It's Ronan's fault for asking, he knows that, but he suddenly doesn't at all want to hear about how good the sex is. Maybe it's shitty, maybe it makes him a giant hypocrite given how much sex he and Adam have, how much Ronan loves it every single time. Maybe he has no room to be upset or jealous or any of that, but he is.

He keeps his mouth firmly shut as Noah continues, forces himself not to react as Noah's cheeks go pink and he looks away.

At least until Noah invites him to watch and then he can't hold it in anymore, a rough snarl pushing past his throat. "Fuck no, I don't want to watch," he says. And it's not because he doesn't want to know how Noah looks in those moments, not because he hasn't wondered or thought about it.

It's more because he'd probably rip Freddie limb from limb the moment he touched Noah.

He doesn't ask what sort of relationship Noah would choose if he could. He already knows the answer. And he knows that, if and when Noah actually gets that, he'll just have to fucking deal with it.

[iwasmore]

"I didn't mean it." Noah stops talking and sighs, scrubbing a hand through his already messy hair. His hand slides down and he stares at the floor for a long moment with his fingers curled around the back of his neck, realizing that isn't even what Ronan meant. He just wants to make sure Noah is okay, but there are too many variables to happy.

"Sorry, I'm being a jerk," he says, looking back over at Ronan. His gaze travels from a small curl along the bottom of Ronan's mohawk, the swoop of his eyelashes, his sharp, down-turned mouth. Everything was so much less complicated when everything was a circle and he knew his place. "No. I'm not happy."

He knows what would make him happy, but he can't have it. He should be satisfied, he should be grateful, so why does he still want more?

[thedreamthief]

Noah runs a hand through his hair and stares at the floor, his apology doing little to calm the itch under Ronan's skin. It's not Noah who should be apologizing, he knows. It's not Noah who's acting like a jerk.

Ronan asked.

His frown turns sharper as Noah continues and he glances over to see Noah looking right back at him. "Why bother then?" he replies, already well aware he'll likely regret asking again. "If you... I know you miss Krem, or at least miss what you had with him. I get it. But it's not--"

He huffs an breath then, irritated at himself and the fact that they're even having this conversation. Fuck, but Ronan hates talking. "I haven't met this Freddie prick and I don't want to, but he sounds like a dicksmack. Is the sex really that great? Don't answer that," he adds quickly, eyes narrowed before he continues. "You deserve better, that's all. You're more than just a fuck."

[iwasmore]

Noah shakes his head and touches Ronan's arm with the back of his fingers to stop him from talking. "You're misunderstanding." He takes a moment to try and collect his thoughts, to come up with the best explanation. "I'm not unhappy because of Freddie. I like the things we do. It's not a lack of self-worth. But I can't just, like, make a romantic partner appear."

He drops his hand and loosely crosses his arms, hunching over a bit while leaning his butt against the island, looking down at his shoes. Fidgeting. "If things could be different--" He rubs his cheek and sighs, standing straighter to glance over at Ronan. "I'd rather be with someone I love. I'd rather be able to love someone."

Which is as close as he'll admit to wanting to be with Ronan.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's not expecting Noah to touch him, but the light brush of warm fingers against his arm shuts him up quick.

He listens, still scowling as he tries not to picture what exactly Noah does with Freddie, or how often and glancing over when Noah pulls away a bit and hunches in on himself. When Noah finally looks up from staring at his shoes, their eyes meet and Ronan holds it, unable to stop himself from wondering what exactly Noah means by different.

Because Noah knows how Ronan feels. He heard it. And he hadn't said anything then, hadn't given Ronan any reason to believe it might be mutual.

"I'd rather you were happy," he says after a long moment because it's the truth. Even if that means letting go a little, even if it means watching Noah drift away from all of them again, drift away from him, it'd be better than watching Noah be miserable.

And it's all he's allowed to want anyway.

[iwasmore]

Noah sighs and tilts toward Ronan, resting his shoulder to Ronan's and leaning against him. He doesn't want Ronan to think he doesn't love him, but there's love and then there's the boundaries of human relationships. He won't interfere because he loves Ronan, because he loves them all so much.

"I'm happy, I shouldn't have said that. I'm here, right?" he says, and smiles. "I'm alive-ish and I get to live with all my best friends." He wants to reassure Ronan that he won't leave or drift away, but he's trying really hard to let people's thoughts stay their thoughts and at least pretend he can't hear them. "I'm grateful."

[thedreamthief]

Noah's saying that to appease him, Ronan knows. Maybe it isn't entirely untrue, but Ronan has a good idea of what Noah needs to be truly happy. Whatever his opinions of Krem, Noah had been happy with him. At least for awhile.

"That your way of promising not to move out again?" he asks, eyes narrowing though there's no real heat in his words, no overwhelming accusation.

Again, he knows it's not something he can really ask for. Noah isn't his. But that doesn't stop him from wanting. Apparently nothing does.

[iwasmore]

Noah holds up his pinkie finger with a soft smile, waiting for Ronan to take it in his. "I promise I won't," he says, and means it. He doesn't think the sort of relationship he had with Krem is likely to happen again.

"But," he adds, tilting his head toward Ronan, "I'm not the one who plans on moving out of Hywel." And maybe this isn't fair of him because it's something he's overheard, because they were private thoughts, but he knows Ronan wants to build a new Barns somewhere else to live in with Adam.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's gaze drops to the gentle curve of Noah's pinkie, a small smile tipping his lips before he curls his own around Noah's, holding tight.

The smile falters as Noah continues, tipping into a confused frown as he shakes his head. "I'm not moving out. Where'd you get that?" Sure, he and Adam have been working on building a barn out at Cabeswater with a stable and a little living space. But he's not intending for it to be year-round and he's not planning to move all his shit out of Hywel. At this point, given how much useless dream crap he's accumulated in his bedroom closet alone, he's not sure he can.

[iwasmore]

Noah, with his pinkie still curled around Ronan's, gives him a sidelong look. "I specifically remember hearing you were leaving," he says, though his tone is dubious. It's not like thoughts have a hundred percent accuracy rate. Sometimes they're barely sentences, sometimes they don't make much sense at all.

He looks at Ronan silently for another long moment, then lets go of his pinkie with a smile. "But okay. I mean-- either way, whatever you want to do. I just thought you were being kind of weirdly, like, hypocritical."

[thedreamthief]

Noah's look is searching. Curious. Ronan hasn't spoken much about the work he and Adam are doing in Cabeswater, but he can't actually remember all that he's mentioned. It's possible, of course, that Noah's only heard his thoughts here and there, that he's put it all together to form a different picture.

He ignores the swoop of disappointment in his belly as Noah drops his hand away, curling his fingers into a loose fist then.

"It'll have three rooms," he explains. He doesn't mention that one of them he's already decided is Noah's or that another is Gansey's. He figures that goes without saying. "It's for all of us, not just me."

[iwasmore]

"For visiting?" Noah asks, because he still doesn't understand. If Ronan isn't moving out, then how will his time be split between the two? Or any of them, if they have rooms? He can at least see why Ronan and Adam would want somewhere to have more privacy, but having guest rooms, or permanent rooms for certain people, would sort of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?

[thedreamthief]

"Yeah," Ronan replies with a half-assed sort of shrug. "Hywel was only supposed to be temporary for the kids, just something to get them through the spring. What we're building out in Cabeswater is mostly for them."

He pushes away from the counter then to grab another mug from the cupboard, glancing over at Noah as he does. "We don't have to live there, but there's space in case we wanna be out there for a few days or a week or whatever. If we don't want to go back and forth between there and here." It sounds stupid, maybe. Probably. Even Adam had seemed a little confused by the prospect, a little like he was just humoring Ronan at the start.

[iwasmore]

Noah is about to point out that animals probably need someone there every day for them, like Ronan wouldn't know that already. That was his whole childhood. But he realizes, also, that Ronan doesn't have a job. Of course not, what does he need one for? So it's like the animals are his job, and he can just come home to Hywel at the end of the day if he wants.

"Do the walls go all the way to the ceiling?" Noah asks with a tilted smile, watching Ronan.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's lips twitch into a smirk then as he reaches for the coffee pot, pouring what remains into the mug before offering it to Noah.

"Abso-fucking-lutely." As much as he likes Hywel, as much as it's the closest thing to Monmouth they could get here, Ronan fucking misses having walls. Even Adam's room does have them, the walls themselves aren't the thickest. Ronan's positive Gansey, Noah, and Blue have all heard far more than they'd like.

Sometimes that doesn't bother Ronan in the slightest. Sometimes.

"Hell, maybe they'll be dream walls, even. Soundproof 'em or some shit. That enough to convince you?"

[iwasmore]

"Thanks," Noah says, taking the unexpected gift of a mug of coffee. He's pretty sure the original cup was for Ronan before Chainsaw broke it.

"Sounds good," he adds with a grin. "I mean, sometimes when it's three in the morning I wanna listen to my rap music and play along on my new set of bagpipes. A man has needs, you know?"

Noah doesn't actually mind the lack of full walls between most of the bedrooms. He hasn't got anything going on that would keep anyone up or disturb anyone, and sure, sometimes he hears what other people are doing, but as long as he's been a ghost he's always heard too much. It's really no different.

[thedreamthief]

"If you think I won't dream you some bagpipes now, I've got a fuckin' surprise for you," Ronan says with a brighter grin.

It's easier in that moment, with Noah relaxed enough to make jokes like normal. Easier to believe that he really isn't afraid, that the other Noah had just been full of shit.

Still grinning he adds, "I'll make it so only Gansey can hear them, though."

[iwasmore]

Noah bursts out laughing, genuine, head-thrown-back laughter. Judging from how annoyed Gansey gets from the Murder Squash song, Noah can't imagine how insane he'd be driven from late night bagpipes.

"How would you even manage that? I don't even think you could dream that, how would it work?" he asks, still laughing.

[thedreamthief]

A grin spreads wide across Ronan's face, something warm lodging in his chest and expanding outward, at the force of Noah's laughter.

"Fuck if I know," he admits with an easy shrug, resting comfortably now, arms crossed loosely over his chest. "Dream things just work. Pretty sure there isn't any actual science behind it." And Ronan stopped asking questions awhile back.

[iwasmore]

"Okay, good point. Who am I to try and bring logic to all this, right?" Noah adds with a small giggle, smiling as he sips the hot coffee. He's the last one who should be worried about scientific explanations.

He nudges Ronan's arm again with his elbow. "So why haven't you dreamed me ten cats yet?"

[thedreamthief]

"Jesus, ten?" Ronan replies with a rough laugh.

It isn't the first time Noah's mentioned wanting a cat and, while Ronan's definitely thought about it, he hasn't dreamt anything living since before he'd been taken to that facility. There's a first time for everything, though, and he's managed to keep the nightmares at bay for weeks now.

"Don't you work with dozens of them? How many fucking cats do you need in your life?"

[iwasmore]

"I know, I know, I'm kidding. I volunteer at the shelter, I should just adopt one," Noah says, turning his smile to his cup of coffee as it dims to something less happy.

"I think..." He pauses, trying to come up with the most coherent explanation for why he's been wanting one, but putting it off. Especially when there are always so many he falls in love with up for adoption. "I think maybe I've been holding out for another ghost cat. Prunam was special. Nuriko and I were the only ones who could see her, and then Krem, of course. I always felt like we had a special connection."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan remembers Prunam, but only from Noah talking about her, not because he could ever see her.

This feels like something he should have known, something he should have been able to provide without question. Maybe it'll feel disingenuous now, but Ronan only nods, his decision made. Whatever he dreams tonight may not exactly be a ghost cat, but it'll be special regardless. Ronan will make sure of it.

"Still don't understand why that shitstick got your cat," he says, voice a low grumble though there's not too much heat in his tone. His issues with Krem are a tired argument by now, one he knows Noah isn't eager to participate in. "You still want a car, too?"

[iwasmore]

"She always lived there, even before I did. It made sense to let her stay in her home," Noah answers, even if Ronan doesn't technically want one. It was a decision that was no less gutting to make just because it was logical, but she was as much of Krem's cat as she was his.

Noah laughs, but it comes out more like a sigh. "Don't dream me a car, Ronan," he says, tipping his head against Ronan's shoulder. "I'd rather you just had nice dreams."