(no subject)

[iwasmore]

When Noah gets back to Hywel he goes to his bedroom, not in the mood to see anyone or talk. At least he didn't tell any of them where he'd gone, who he'd gone with, so there wouldn't be a recap to give or fumbled explanations of why he was back so early. And, thankfully, whoever's home must be too busy to notice, because he spends the rest of the night undisturbed.

The next morning he wanders out into the living area, but doesn't feel like making pancakes. He pours himself a bowl of cereal instead and flops over onto the couch to stare at the TV for awhile.

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[thedreamthief]

It's a light touch, a dry, gentle press of warm lips to Ronan's neck.

Ronan closes his eyes against it, against the way it makes his blood run warm and his chest tighten. He'd felt those lips against his own months ago, made the mistake of misinterpreting. He can't do it again despite the ache.

He has Adam. He loves Adam, that hasn't changed. He won't do this to either of them.

Swallowing, he shoves it all away, buries it back down where he can only hope it manages to stay for awhile and finally quirks a smile. "Well, you wouldn't have a camera," he says, trying to lighten things up a little.

[iwasmore]

Noah ignores the joke. He barely hears it. Instead, he leans back enough to see Ronan's face. He doesn't understand what's been misinterpreted, what's going on in Ronan's mind at the moment. Reaching up, he cups Ronan's face between his hands and searches his brown eyes for an answer.

"What are you thinking?" he finally asks.

[thedreamthief]

Noah hears too fucking much. He sees too fucking much. How he can miss the storm under Ronan's skin right now, he has no idea. The spot on his neck still burns.

Warm hands cup his face, holding him in place to stare into Noah's blue eyes.

"Fuck, you know what I'm thinking," he says, his voice nearly a growl, because he doesn't know how to put this into words. He never has. Noah can hear his thoughts and, for once, Ronan almost desperately wants him to so he doesn't have to say it.

A little in love with all of them. If that had been Blue's secret than maybe Ronan's is, A lot in love with three of them.

[iwasmore]

He doesn't, but the sound of Ronan's voice and the intensity of his stare sends a shiver along Noah's skin. It's a look he's been on the receiving end of occasionally, one he's written off, ignored, but is having a hard time doing now. Especially when a lot in love with three of them broadcasts loud and clear. It's a good thing Noah doesn't need to breathe, because he isn't sure he even is anymore.

"In love?" he echoes without thinking, his hands slowly lowering. Love is one thing. Love is obvious. In love he isn't expecting.

[thedreamthief]

The words feel all the more damning spoken out loud and Ronan wrenches back slightly as Noah's hands drift away.

"Shit," he breathes, balling his hands into tight fists at his sides. Because it's not like he doesn't already know how Noah feels, like he doesn't remember the way Noah had yanked away from him at that stupid dance, how his face had clouded over in anger.

How he'd told Adam it wouldn't happen again.

But he can't deny it now, both because it's a fucking blatant lie and because Noah would know anyway.

"Just-- forget it," Ronan decides then, shutting it down before Noah has to be the one to do it. "It's not your fucking problem, okay? I know how this goes down."

[iwasmore]

Noah's heart is beating like a jackhammer in his chest, not from fear, but from hope. The rational part of him, the part that knows he can't have this and shouldn't want it, is set to kick in any minute, but in this moment all he can think about is how badly he wants it. He hadn't taken Blue's shirt to heart. Maybe at first, but when it never accumulated to anything, when there hadn't been further discussion, he'd written it off as a different sort of in love that he'd always been in with her. With all of them. It's a thought he doesn't often let himself entertain, knowing that it's Gansey and Blue, and Ronan and Adam, with him gone. Here, the same, only he gets to be their friend for a little longer. It should be enough. It has to be.

His mind is telling him, don't hurt Adam, over and over, but his mouth doesn't get the right message, because he blurts out, "I don't want to."

Maybe he can't have Ronan in that way, or any of them, but he can at least have this.

[thedreamthief]

Noah just stares at him for a long moment, blue eyes blow wide. It's a look Ronan can't read, a look that catches under his chest and twists, grabbing every nerve under his skin along with it.

He tears away before that look can turn cold, before Ronan has to see the anger and disgust as he had months ago.

Cinnamon's heading closer to the far fence, but Ronan turns immediately to head back inside. He hears Noah's voice behind him, a whisper lost in the rush of blood between Ronan's ears. Chicken feed crunches under the soles of his sandals as he makes he steps back into the barn and he's not honestly sure he's even breathing anymore. His chest burns.

[iwasmore]

Ronan walks away. It was the wrong thing to say, because he leaves without a word, disappears through the doorway while Noah's still standing there with an ache so deep in his chest he has to raise his hand to it to make sure it hasn't been physically torn open.

Forget it, Ronan had said, because he must be trying to. Noah understands, Ronan doesn't want to mess things up with Adam. Noah wouldn't want to, either. Noah never wanted the feelings he has, knowing they have nowhere to go, and so he thinks it's probably worse for Ronan. At least Noah's feelings can't hurt anyone, because he isn't already with someone.

He lets Ronan leave. He'll try to help him forget, too, and make himself as scarce as possible.