(no subject)

[iwasmore]

Noah wishes he could say he's not in his right mind, but he knows exactly what he's doing. He's sober in every possible way, too sober, which is why he's looking for another way to lose himself. He doesn't really do one night stands, which is evidenced by the poor decision he'd made of asking one on a date. Lesson learned, but there's still a problem: he doesn't know anyone else he can have casual sex with. Because that's what he needs right now. He wants that night with Freddie again, where nothing mattered except that it felt good. But Freddie is the only one he can think of to have that with, and he isn't sure Freddie actually wants to see him again.

In the end he decides to try. It isn't like he can humiliate himself much worse than he already has.

He finds Freddie the way he finds everyone else, but walks through the bar's front door like a human. There's a moment of hesitation, a gathering of nerves and courage, and then Noah moves to Freddie's side. "Hey."

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[iwasmore]

Noah hadn't wanted it to be serious. That was actually the last thing he wanted. After being in a committed relationship for so long, and having it become something he wasn't prepared for, all he'd wanted with Freddie was to have fun. But he also didn't want Freddie thinking about leaving with someone else in the middle of a date, either. Part of him wants to explain, but he knows he doesn't want to try again, so it doesn't matter. And he doesn't want to make Freddie feel like he isn't worth seriously dating, because he is.

"You have a hard time staying with just one person?" Noah guesses, taking Freddie's hand and smiling a little.

[thisfaceismine]

It's not even that, Freddie thinks as Noah reaches for his hand. He glances down at where their fingers meet and nearly yanks his hand back. He feels exposed somehow despite Noah's promise that he's not really heard anything that's a secret. Only how is Noah to know what's a secret and what's not? Freddie's always been particular about what he shares, what he allows people to know. It's a method he had to learn early and it's one he's stuck with.

And now none of it matters. Not when he's around Noah.

"They never last is all," he says, pulling his hand back then as he resolutely tries to not think of anything. "Don't see much of a point. You want to know why I thought of Lance?" he continues, his tone taking on a sharp edge, claws coming out. "He and Henry broke up because Henry refused to fuck him. Or be fucked. They were together nine years. Nine years Henry strung him along, the whole time steadfastly refusing to fuck. And that was you, wasn't it?" He cocks his head to the side, tone almost mocking now. "Least you had the sense to get out of it sooner."

[iwasmore]

Noah may have been hurt if any of that had been even a little true, and maybe if he did't recognize Freddie's scathing reply for what it really was.

He calmly pulls his hand back, slipping both of his into his pockets, and regards Freddie with a neutral expression.

"I don't know where you got that idea from, but you're wrong. We fucked plenty, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he wanted to fuck other people. He warned me awhile into the relationship, but I thought he was just interested in two people in particular. But that wasn't it, and I didn't know how handle it. I didn't want to become some jealous monster. So find someone else to compare me to."

[thisfaceismine]

"But you said you'd never sucked a cock," Freddie replies, suddenly wondering how much of what Noah's told him is a lie. If he was saying it all just to sound enticing somehow when honestly, Freddie hadn't cared. He's attracted to Noah regardless of how many dicks he's sucked. "Or been fucked." Was it always the other way 'round or were you lying?"

He makes no remark on Noah's issue with monogamy. It hadn't been his relationship and he's yet to even meet Noah's ex. Doesn't even know his name. It's smart he'd ended it, but it's got nothing to do with Freddie.

[iwasmore]

Noah groans and rubs his cheek where the smudge would have been if not for the spell. "I wasn't lying. He's transgender," Noah says, his voice going quiet. "I didn't say so because it's not your business." And he wasn't sure if that's something Krem would want him talking about with others. Cremisius is still the only transgender person he's ever known, he doesn't know if that's something that's his to tell, even if they'd been in a relationship.

[thisfaceismine]

For a long moment, Freddie's absolutely silent.

It's not something he'd thought of, that possibility, and he suddenly feels like an absolute arsehole. That sensation is hardly uncommon for him, but it's rarely in this sort of avenue. His lips twist into a grimace and he shakes his head. "That's... Shit, I didn't realize."

He wants to point out that he's not some sort of bigot, that he doesn't actually care about that sort of thing. A part of him wants to mention Helen and how he's hooked up a couple trans people in his life, but it would all come off as defensive now, he knows. And it's not like he actually owes Noah an explanation anyway.

But still... "I'm an arse, yeah?" he says, crossing his arms tight over his chest. "But not that kind of arse, I swear. Just didn't think about it."

[iwasmore]

"It's okay," Noah says, waving it off. "You're not an ass." He doubts he would have assumed it, either, and maybe he should have said something when Freddie mentioned a real cock as opposed to a toy, but it was while they were in the middle of...things. Maybe he should have kept the fact that he'd never sucked a cock to himself, too. Maybe he talks too much in general.

"I think I'm just bad at this," he says with a breathy laugh, frowning at the ground.

[thisfaceismine]

"Bad at what?" Freddie replies, frowning as Noah ducks his head.

He doesn't bother arguing Noah's opinion of him; he knows well enough what he is and he doesn't care. He absolutely does not care. People can think what they will of him and he'll carry on with his life without them. It's always been the way of things.

[iwasmore]

Noah makes a face and glances back up, shoulders slowly scrunching in a shrug. "Knowing what to say or not to say. Relationships. People. Everything," he answers. He pauses a moment, considering. "Mostly people."

Or trying to be a person, a human, living person, when he isn't.

"I don't think you're an ass," he adds, because it bears repeating.

[thisfaceismine]

Noah's insistence catches under his skin. It sounds sincere is the thing, like he means it even if Freddie knows better. Noah may not think he's an arsehole just yet, but he will soon enough.

"But you can read minds," Freddie argues. "Or hear thoughts, at least. Whatever. Doesn't that give you an edge up on most things?" Because, as far as he's concerned, there's nothing wrong with Noah. He'd never have guessed the mind-reading thing until Noah's slip tonight. He catches then, realizing before says, "Or does it make it worse because you can hear when everyone's lying?"

[iwasmore]

Noah shakes his head. "It makes it worse, but not even because of any lies. It makes things awkward, and-- think about it, I totally misinterpreted the Lance thing. My friends who know? They don't want me hearing anything, either, I'm sure. They have to be uncomfortable around me."

"I don't want to hear what people are thinking. I just want to be normal like everyone else."

[thisfaceismine]

The more Noah talks the more Freddie’s chest aches for him. Where some might find the ability to hear a person’s thoughts as an advantage, might use such a thing to manipulate or swindle people, it’s obvious Noah isn’t like that at all.

“Hey, come on,” he says, frowning as he steps closer, reaching a hand out for Noah’s and lightly touching his arm. “You’re still normal enough, aren’t you? I mean, everyone’s fucked up in their own ways and you’ve just got… got this thing that makes you a little different. It’s not like you’re using it to fuck anyone over, right?”

[iwasmore]

Noah's face heats up with a mixture of guilt and shame, knowing he isn't normal, and not even because he can hear thoughts, but why he can. And he can't even bring himself to tell Freddie.

He nods, though, because Freddie is being so sweet about it. Maybe he can tell Freddie about what he is and he'll be okay about it, but...later.

"Thanks, Freddie," he says softly, and looks up at him with a warm smile. He lifts the arm Freddie's touching to take his hand again like earlier. "We can still be friends, then?"

[thisfaceismine]

With a twist of his wrist, Noah takes Freddie's hand again and, this time, Freddie doesn't pull away. Instead, he gives a light squeeze, his lips twitching into a hint of a smile as he shrugs.

"Could, yeah," he says, though it feels a bit odd. Freddie can't actually remember the last time someone's used that word to describe him. Not really. Not directly. He narrows his eyes a bit then, his smile more playful as he adds, "Friends that still get to fuck around, right? I mean, the shower at my place is still available..."

[iwasmore]

Noah laughs and his shoulders and limbs relax. He never thought he'd enter into some kind of friends with benefits relationship, but maybe it's exactly what he needs. Something easy and nice. "Duh."

With relief comes a sort of exhilaration, and Noah knocks his elbow into Freddie's. "Come on, I was hoping to top this time," he says with a playful smile, giving Freddie's hand a tug to keep walking.