backdated for Frederick

[iwasmore]

Noah feels really guilty that his present to Freddie is late. He's seen firsthand how sucky a birthday can be here away from family and friends, and while some are lucky enough to have people from home in Darrow, Freddie isn't one of them. Though, Noah can't help wondering if there's even a person he misses badly. Every now and then he'll catch Freddie thinking of someone, but he's never brought them up.

Anyway, he's late because Whiskers had to be old enough to leave the care he was getting at the shelter. Noah couldn't have expected Freddie to bottle feed a kitten around the clock, he doesn't even know if Freddie will want a kitten at all, so he had to wait until Whiskers was ready.

And he's so not telling Freddie that that's her name, because it's super unoriginal.

So Noah has As Of Yet Unnamed Kitten tucked into a small basket underneath a blanket to keep her warm from the cold. He knocks at Freddie's apartment door, hoping he's home. He hadn't texted or anything first, wanting to make up for the belated gift by making it a surprise. "Special delivery!" he calls in a high-pitched voice.

Comments

[thisfaceismine]

He still has the cat clutched to his chest when Noah grabs hold of his shirt, holding in place for a moment and essentially forcing Freddie to look at him.

It's disconcerting, Noah's words weighty in a way that makes Freddie's insides twist. They're not talking about a gift card, he knows, and he frowns a little, lightly shoving Noah's hand off. "Stop reading my mind," he says, but his tone comes off more self-conscious than accusatory.

He ducks away into the kitchen as Noah goes to retrieve whatever it is he's left outside. The counter seems as good a spot as any for the cat and she wobbles across the smooth top as Freddie retrieves two bottles from his fridge and grabs the bottle opener from the drawer.

Freddie glances back over his shoulder when he hears Noah return, which is all the time the small ball of fur needs to swat at the newly-released bottle cap and send it skittering across the floor. She hops down to chase after it, tail swishing, and Freddie glances over at Noah again. "She won't try to eat it, will she?"

[iwasmore]

If he could, Noah would definitely stop hearing thoughts. There's a lot he wishes he could control, but he simply can't no matter how hard he tries. So he starts unpacking the box of supplies, filling the litter box with some litter and placing it against the wall.

He glances over and smiles at the way the kitten bats the bottlecap around. "No, I doubt it. Plastic she might, like bags? Sometimes cats try to eat them for some reason. And wires, you might want to keep an eye on that, Prunam was always trying to chew on the wires behind the TV," he says, getting her some food and water next, setting the bowls down on the kitchen floor.

He stands up, thinking about names. The clever cat names of Un Chat Gris don't seem like Freddie's style. Prunam had been Krem's choice, and Little Ro had been for Ronan.

Noah looks over at Freddie, taking the second bottle and pointing toward the kitten with it. "You should name her after your favorite girl."

[thisfaceismine]

He can't remember his family's cat as a kitten is the thing. Can't remember when she'd been playful and rambunctious like this, only remembers her hiding and slinking around most of the time when she hadn't been out roaming the neighborhood.

Watching her chase the bottle cap all over the kitchen floor, Freddie leans back against the counter and holds out one of the beers for Noah.

"Don't really have a favourite girl," he confesses with a shrug and a smirk. "And I'm definitely not naming her after my mum." He takes a sip of his drink then, curling the fingers of his free hand around the lip of the countertop as he considers. Strangely, he's tempted to name her after Noah except that's not a very good name for a cat, really. And it's too on the nose besides. Noah's last name doesn't lend itself well either.

He sucks his bottom lip between his teeth as his brow furrows and he glances over again with a thought. "What about Nora?"

[iwasmore]

Noah takes a drink of beer, quirking an eyebrow over at Freddie's answer. Everybody has favorites, whether they admit it or not. There has to be some girl he likes more than the rest. Or at least most of the rest. But if there is, he doesn't think of her, instead briefly wondering if he should name the can Noah, which almost makes Noah spit out his beer.

"Nora?" Noah says, his voice tight from the bad swallow. He wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand. "Is that, like, the girl version of Noah?" He grins, a mixture of teasing and fondness. "That's so sweet."

[thisfaceismine]

He can't quite read Noah's sputtered reaction, at least not at first. But then Noah smiles a bit, his eyes lighting up and Freddie relaxes, giving only an easy shrug.

"Yeah, guess so," he says, striving for aloof. "Not that sweet, is it? People might think I named her after you because you share personality traits and what if she turns out to be an arsehole? Or a fucking ghost."

The last is said with a bit of a grin, most of it hidden behind the rim of his bottle as he takes another sip.

[iwasmore]

((the CAN))

Noah laughs. "She's definitely not a ghost, but you shouldn't discriminate against her even if she was," he teases, knocking his shoulder into Freddie's and keeping it there. His chest aches a little, that Freddie would want to name her after him, like if he disappears or dies for good there'll still be a part of him here with Freddie. It's sort of a morbid thought, but he'd be lying if he didn't think about death a lot. He is a fucking ghost, after all.

"I don't think it's too sweet, and also...what does that mean?" He tilts his head toward Freddie with a lopsided smile. "I can be an asshole."

[thisfaceismine]

His arm is warm where Noah's pressed against him and he doesn't move away. Refused to. Maybe it's not particularly friendly, but he doesn't give a toss. It's Noah that's made the move, after all.

"Yeah, right," Freddie says with a half snort of a laugh, very nearly rolling his eyes. "You hardly even use your ghost-y powers for nefarious purposes. What have you ever done to be even remotely an arsehole. Because, if nothing else, Freddie is an expert on arseholes. In the obvious, physical manner, of course, but he's been called one more times than he could possibly count. And he did learn from the best.

[iwasmore]

For Noah it's as friendly as he is with anyone, he likes to touch, he likes to feel a connection with people. But maybe he misses Freddie, how they used to be. So maybe he is the asshole, even if Freddie says he isn't.

"Does thinking inappropriate thoughts about your friend's boyfriend count?" he asks lightly, taking a long drink and watching the kitten-- Nora play.

[thisfaceismine]

That's hardly what Freddie's expecting and his lips twitch upward in a grin even as he refuses to acknowledge the twist of discomfort low in his belly. There's no attempt at coy flirtation in this; Noah isn't alluding to Freddie in any way and that shouldn't bother him. It shouldn't matter at all.

"Yeah?" he asks instead, taking another quick sip of his beer. "S'pose it depends. Everyone thinks shit about people they shouldn't. Think you're only an asshole if you do anything about it."

And that, he has a feeling, Noah's not done. He's not the type.

[iwasmore]

"I guess you have a point," Noah says, his mouth threatening a smirk but not quite making it. As guilty as he feels, saying it out loud is almost a relief, alleviating some of the stress of holding onto a secret for so long. He's never really talked about it with anyone except Ronan himself, and even then it wasn't much because he'd felt so terrible. He'd sooner tell someone he's dead than about his feelings for Ronan. But he knows Freddie won't judge him, so he keeps talking.

"It sucks, though. I hate it. Wanting someone like that, and then not being able to do anything with it," he says, his statement trailing off. Noah sighs and takes a drink. "Sucks."

[thisfaceismine]

"Yeah," Freddie replies because he does know the feeling. It's one that had cut him deep enough he'd promised himself he'd never let it happen again, that he'd never let himself give a fuck anymore.

And he hasn't.

Which still doesn't explain why this whole conversation already makes him uncomfortable. Why does he care if Noah's apparently in love with someone else, some guy who's already in a relationship? Though maybe that's the only reason Noah ever went as far as he had with Freddie, like maybe he had something to prove to himself same as Freddie.

He crosses an arm over his chest, attention still on the little ball of orange fur still playing with the bottle cap. "Does he know then?" he asks, forcing himself to be a good friend and ignore the sting under his skin.

[iwasmore]

As good as it felt to tell Freddie about Ronan, the reality of it is quickly catching back up to Noah, a weight on his chest, a pressure that makes it hard to breathe. What a joke. He wouldn't be surprised if he's fading, something he hardly ever does. He lifts his hand a moment to make sure he isn't.

It's Freddie's question. Does he know?

Noah had tried so hard not to let him, but it was Ronan who'd said so first. That's freaking kicker.

"Yeah," he finally says, quietly. He stares at his bottle. "He loves me."

Or he did.

[thisfaceismine]

That's it then, isn't it? Freddie's never known how it feels to love someone and be loved back, regardless of whether or not you could be together. Once upon a time, he'd thought that Sir loved him even if they'd had to keep it secret. Looking back, of course, he can see how stupid he'd been and it only makes him feel worse.

"So what's the problem?" he asks, his voice more brusque as he suddenly sets his bottle aside and pushes off the counter and swoops down to pull the cat in this arms.

She immediately starts wriggling, batting her little arms out and mewling pitifully as Freddie tries to cradle her.

[iwasmore]

Noah glances up, his face flooding with heat at Freddie's tone, whether from shame or embarrassment he isn't sure. Maybe both.

"He has a boyfriend," Noah repeats. "Who's also my friend. They're perfect together, so it's like...I think it's just because our friend group is kind of incestuous. Was. I don't even know if he still feels that way. He moved out, and...I don't know."

Noah stops himself from rambling any further, going quiet, watching the kitten paw at the air in a detached way like he isn't really seeing her at all.

[thisfaceismine]

Freddie's only been to the building Noah shares with his friends a couple times, but he's yet to meet any of these supposed friends. He hasn't a clue who the guy is that Noah's in love with, nor his boyfriend.

And he doesn't care. He really really doesn't.

"So he loves you, but he's still with his boyfriend," he says, still looking at Nora instead of Noah as she continues to squirm. "Sounds like an asshole."

[iwasmore]

"No. He loves his boyfriend," Noah says, because that's the end of it as far as he's concerned. Ronan and Adam have something real, who's he to mess with that? He'd never forgive himself. Even if Ronan and Adam broke up for completely unrelated reasons Noah still wouldn't act on his feelings, it would feel too much like he was betraying Adam.

But it's all what ifs, ultimately a pointless train of thought.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to come over and get all emo on you. Like, the opposite, actually."

[thisfaceismine]

"He loves you and his boyfriend," Freddie says, his tone dripping in judgement. It's not that Freddie's never heard of the concept, really, but in his experience, someone's always loved more. There's a choice made at the end of the day, and maybe this guy has chosen his boyfriend over Noah, but it's still something Noah has to deal with.

It'd have been better if he'd not said anything to Noah about it at all. At least then Noah could move on, move past it. Or try to.

Nora bats at his nose and Freddie wrinkles it before wrapping his entire hand around her face gently. With another tiny meow she tries to twist away and Freddie glances over at Noah. "He's probably just messing with you, you know."

[iwasmore]

"Well, my ex was in love with like five people at the same time, so anything is possible," Noah says, trying to make his voice sound lighter than he feels, but it's a sore spot. It's a dumb sore spot, because Noah does really try to be understanding, and he never even thinks about Krem much anymore, but he guesses it can't be helped.

Noah's already shaking his head before Freddie even finishes his sentence. "He's not like that. I know him really well, he's not that kind of person."

Plus, it's hard to mess with someone who can hear most of your thoughts. He would have caught in eventually.

[thisfaceismine]

"Your ex just wanted to fuck people without feeling guilty about it," Freddie replies because he's heard enough about this guy to get a good feel on him, Freddie thinks. Enough to know that Noah deserved better.

And Freddie knows he isn't all that different; he just doesn't pretend to be in love with people. It's just sex.

It's always just sex.

"You have shit taste in men," Freddie decides then as Nora takes a swipe at his cheek. "Have you even fucked this guy you're into? The one with the boyfriend."

[iwasmore]

Noah actually smiles to himself a little at Freddie's comment, but he keeps his mouth closed. He really doesn't want to bring Krem into this, it's a conversation he's already had and he's well beyond moved on from it.

"No, geez," he says, taking a long swig of beer. It's almost gone and he hardly feels anything. He kind of wishes otherwise, getting drunk might not be so bad at this point. "I don't have shit taste in men, they're just either already with someone or I'm never enough for them. But I'm fucking dead, so I should probably just be glad to be like. Here."

[thisfaceismine]

"Well, that's stupid," Freddie says as Nora takes another swipe at him. Grimacing a bit, he pulls her away and then leans down enough to drop her onto the floor. She makes an immediate lunge for the bottle cap once again and Freddie steps around her toward the fridge, pulling out another beer for Noah as he takes another swig of his own.

"So what if you're a ghost, you're still a person. Here, at least." He pops off the lid on Noah's and then wanders back toward the living room, crashing onto the sofa and bringing his legs up to sit cross-legged on the cushions, nodding for Noah to follow. "People want relationships. It's the human condition or whatever."

[iwasmore]

"Thanks." Noah sets his empty bottle on the counter and crosses into the living room to join Freddie on the couch. He sits back, leaning fully into the plush cushions, and just holds the bottle for the moment. "You can't interrupt a cat who's on the hunt. They go into hunter mode and they don't want to cuddle."

He looks over at Freddie, returning to his statement. "And I know. I keep trying to get over it, like everything else," he says with a brief smile. "I'm trying to look on the bright side."

[thisfaceismine]

"Get over wanting a relationship?" Freddie asks, making sure he understands as he rests the butt of his bottle against his knee, body turned to face where Noah's made himself comfortable. He tips his head up then, not quite in challenge though he narrows his eyes. "Want to be more like me, is that it? Just fuck you way through the city without getting attached?"

Because that's definitely how Freddie prefers to be perceived. It's easier that way, he's found. No expectations for anyone, just a nice fuck and a goodbye.

It's been harder here, especially lately. It's harder to ignore people, to escape them. They get under the skin and they say shit like wanting to just be friends and then gift you with a fucking kitten. It's like the most awkward break-up ever and Freddie hasn't a clue what to do with any of it.

[iwasmore]

Noah's face goes hot. His neck goes hot. His whole body goes hot at Freddie's question, his thoughts. It's a lot, and he tries not to look away from Freddie's gaze like a coward.

"No," he forces out, and tries to choose from everything he could possibly reply with. "I don't just fuck people. I'm not...I mean, I'm not judging you, but. I don't. Because that's impossible, not getting attached. I have no idea how you can even do that. Why the hell do you think I said we had to stop? I told you..."

He shakes his head and stops himself from saying anything else. It kind of pisses him off if he's being honest, because there can't be an awkward break-up when there isn't a relationship, and there can't be a relationship when the other person involved doesn't want one.

"I meant get over not seeing myself as...a person," he finally adds. "Mostly."

[thisfaceismine]

It's nothing Freddie doesn't already know. Noah doesn't just fuck people; that's not who he is. That'd been clear from the very start just as Freddie had been very clear with him.

Or has he been? Because, half the time, Freddie's not even certain what he wants anymore.

Lonely, Noah had called him. That word still sticks, because he's not wrong. But it's not the sort of loneliness a cat can fix. It's the sort of loneliness Freddie can't remember ever not feeling. Only, it's worse here because he can't just pack up and move away when it gets to be too much, can't stuff it away and tell himself it'll be different somewhere else, that he just has to meet the right people. The right person. He can't move on.

He can't ignore the feeling that there is no right person. It's just something he's not meant to have.

But Noah's angry, or at least irritated, and that's always easier. Freddie's well used to pissing people off, intentionally or otherwise.

"Why d'you want to do that?" he asks, pointedly ignoring the rest. "If you're not a person, what are you supposed to be? And don't say ghost," he adds quickly, pointing his finger at Noah accusingly. "Shit's different here, isn't it? There are wizards and werewolves and vampires and everyone here still thinks of them as people. They can still get a drink or drive a car or vote. They're all people. And so are you."

They're not all the same though, Freddie knows that. No one else here is quite like Noah so far as he's found and it's got nothing to do with him being a ghost.