for Ronan

[iwasmore]

Noah had been surprised when Ronan approached him the other day after all the recent animosity. Ronan had seemed so concerned. It was almost like before, back home, when Ronan cared about him. When they were friends, and it was easy. Noah longed to have that back. He just wanted it to be how it used to be with them.

Ronan had told him to hold on, and left like he was going to go do something. Noah hadn't been able to hold on that day, but Castiel had helped him stay tethered, as he called it, giving him enough energy to exist better than he had been. He was still faded, still not quite the corporal shape he could be. But he did exist, and it was better than being nothing at all.

When Ronan didn't come and find him again, Noah decided to look.

He found Ronan in the dark in his bed. Sleeping, maybe. Noah kneeled on the bed next to him, searching him for signs of dreaming.

"Ronan?" he whispered.

Comments

[iwasmore]

Noah sighs and drags his hand from Ronan's forehead to his hair, fuzzier and longer than he usually keeps it. Noah likes it, it's soft beneath his fingers and palm.

"Don't be mad, it's not like he's cheating on me. I said I was okay with it." He's not going to say who, because he can't guarantee Ronan won't start a fight with him over it. "I don't know what it means. That's just how Cremisius is."

[thedreamthief]

"You said you were okay with it," Ronan replies, still watching him carefully. "But are you?"

Noah can lie. Noah has lied. A part of Ronan feels like Noah's lied for seven years, but he knows that's not really true. Anyway, this is different.

His hands are curling over Ronan's scalp, reminding Ronan he needs to shave in the morning. It's a nice touch though even with as cold as Noah's fingers are.

"You know you don't have to fucking settle or some shit, right?" he says, his frown a distinct scowl now. "He's not gonna be the only person who wants you."

[iwasmore]

Noah's eyebrows raise and he cups Ronan's face with both of his hands, smiling at him in disbelief. "Ronan. I'm dead. Who the hell else is going to want me?"

For him, Cremisius is like some kind of otherworldly miracle. Even if Noah wasn't a ghost, that someone like Krem would want him, would love him? It seems impossible. Not to mention his own feelings for Krem, which are beyond what he thought he could ever experience.

Noah lets go of Ronan's face, hands curled in the space between them. "I know it seems weird, but I'm not settling. I love him, and I want him to be happy. And I'm glad that when I'm gone, he'll have someone else who cares about him like I do."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's scowl doesn't waver even with Noah's cupped hands smooshing his cheeks. He can't see any indication in Noah's expression that he doesn't mean every word he's saying, but it's still difficult for Ronan to fathom.

It's... it's entirely selfless. Ronan may still think Krem is an asshole completely unworthy of Noah, living or otherwise, but it's clear how Noah feels for him. A pure, selfless, unconditional... fuck, Noah's in love.

"Don't fucking talk like that," he snaps, swallowing down the heavy weight in his chest, the overwhelming, suffocating realization that he's let himself cling to a gift that isn't really his for too long, kept Adam in a cage just like the one he tried to fashion for Noah. "You're a ghost," he says, frowning harder when his voice cracks. "You're not going anywhere."

Noah isn't going anywhere, but Ronan is. Ronan will.

And Adam deserves someone he can choose for himself.

[iwasmore]

"Okay, okay," Noah says softly, even though he knows it's a lie. But there is still a sliver of a chance, if Dorian really can help him. Krem seems to believe he can, though just because he thinks so doesn't mean it's a sure thing. Noah doesn't want to get his hopes up.

He pets Ronan's cheek, and kisses his forehead. "I'll try not to."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan knows it's nothing Noah can control, that the best he can do is try. It's unfair for Ronan to ask more from him so he won't.

Especially not now.

Noah's lips are cool against Ronan's forehead and, despite himself, he feels his own lips twitch in a barely-there smile. Ronan can't actually remember the last time someone kissed him there, thinks it was probably his mom. Years ago.

His chest still aches, resignation and dread a horrible mix beneath his ribcage, but he pulls Noah closer, arm heavy over his waist and closes his eyes. "You can go whenever you want," he says, though he knows Noah doesn't really need his permission. "Promise I'll be fine tonight."

And that might be the closest thing to a lie Ronan's ever told.

[iwasmore]

Noah wriggles back down so he's tucked against Ronan with his head under Ronan's chin again. Ronan is taller than him, so it automatically makes him the big spoon anyway. He sighs, contented, and closes his eyes as if sleeping is a thing he'll be able to achieve here. It's probably the closest he can get to it with how warm Ronan is and how happy he is.

"I'll stay until I can't," he says softly. "Good night."