for Ronan

[iwasmore]

Noah had been surprised when Ronan approached him the other day after all the recent animosity. Ronan had seemed so concerned. It was almost like before, back home, when Ronan cared about him. When they were friends, and it was easy. Noah longed to have that back. He just wanted it to be how it used to be with them.

Ronan had told him to hold on, and left like he was going to go do something. Noah hadn't been able to hold on that day, but Castiel had helped him stay tethered, as he called it, giving him enough energy to exist better than he had been. He was still faded, still not quite the corporal shape he could be. But he did exist, and it was better than being nothing at all.

When Ronan didn't come and find him again, Noah decided to look.

He found Ronan in the dark in his bed. Sleeping, maybe. Noah kneeled on the bed next to him, searching him for signs of dreaming.

"Ronan?" he whispered.

Comments

[thedreamthief]

He's in Cabeswater.

They're in Cabeswater, he and Kavinsky, stretched out on the roof of his BMW and staring up at the stars. It feels like the back of a pick-up truck, no floor solid and not sloped, short walls on every side, keeping them locked in, safe and hidden like when he was five and out in the field with his brothers, his father in the cab with the music turned up.

He's hidden and safe here, hidden from the people who aren't even looking and safe from dreaming anything that could immediately harm anyone but him and Kavinsky.

It's almost fucking peaceful.

Ronan takes another drink and it tastes like Kool-Aid. He wipes at his mouth and turns his head, finds Kavinsky replaced by Noah. Noah isn't lying next to him, but kneeling. The stars are gone.

"You're still faded," he says, voice wet with sweet-tasting booze and disuse. Noah doesn't look as bad as before, at least. He isn't flickering, the smudge on his cheek isn't caving in.

His body hasn't been moved, at least. Ronan knows. He looked.

Why is he still faded?

[iwasmore]

Noah gives the bottle a curious look, wondering what's in it, knowing it wasn't there a moment ago. He stretches out alongside Ronan on his stomach, propped up on his forearms.

"I told you," he says. He won't say it again. He hates to say it. "You asked me to hold on, and I have. For now."

He will as long as possible, but he doesn't know how long that will be.

[thedreamthief]

There's always that moment, that in-between time where Ronan feels locked in place, a prisoner in his own body and mind. He stares as Noah shifts, his movements like a living person instead of a blink from one spot to the next.

One more breath and Ronan can move, too.

There's a bottle in his hands and he lifts it, squinting at it in the dark, before turning his attention back to Noah.

"You can't decay," he says, remembering that word distinctly, remembering the broken sound of Noah's voice when he'd said. His voice still feels thick in his mouth. "And, I looked, man. Your body's still there. No one's moved it."

[iwasmore]

The wince at the mention of decaying is replaced by a faint smile. That was sweet of Ronan to look for his body.

"You're not a ghost expert, Ronan." Noah may not be, either, but he knows more than the others. He can feel it, the ebb and flow of the ley line and Cabeswater and whatever's making him him. It's rotting, he's becoming less than. He's catching up with his physical body.

He traces a finger along the fabric of Ronan's bedspread, looking down instead of at Ronan.

"Cremisius thinks Dorian can help me, but I'm just a skeleton. I don't think there's anything to be done," he says slowly. "I wanted to see you. You talked to me..." He glances back up.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan frowns at the mention of Krem, shifting on the bed to lay on his side, bottle still held in one hand as he props his head on the other, watching Noah stare down at his bedspread. It came with the apartment, a bland off-white. Ronan's never even washed it.

He thinks about what Noah's saying, wonders what it is he thinks Dorian could do. It doesn't actually sound like an entirely awful idea - Dorian has powers Ronan can still only barely comprehend. And Verity is living proof of them.

But in those powers comes risk, he knows. There always is.

A dead Noah is better than no Noah.

Ronan swallows when Noah looks up at him. He isn't as faded as before, but Ronan can still almost see right through him. Something heavy settles in his gut and his frown deepens. "This better not be a fucking goodbye."

[iwasmore]

"It's not," Noah says without hesitation. He hadn't come here with the intention of it being his last time. He doesn't know when that will be. Soon, maybe. But not yet.

"You told me to hold on." He takes the bottle from Ronan, rolling onto his back and holding it above his face to look at. The glass is too thick on the bottom to really see through it, though. He offers it back, and meets Ronan's gaze. "I missed you."

[thedreamthief]

Noah looks like mist for a second, one shape sliding into another as he rolls onto his back and holds the bottle up above his face. When he hands it back, Ronan frowns at it. He takes a sniff from the top. It smells like Kool-Aid.

Pushing himself up, Ronan reaches to set the bottle on the shelf above the bed then settles in next to Noah again, still watching him carefully.

He doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't know half the shit that's happening anymore, feels constantly wrong-footed. He almost misses the pain across his nose, the bruise Krem put there because then at least he looked like he felt, like there was a truth in his face for everyone to see - bruised and battered and angry.

Now he's just back to looking like the wrong version of the Ronan they left behind.

"You're making friends," he says and it manages to come out as an observation, not an accusation, even as he swallows back the bitterness of words he won't speak. The, 'You're moving on without me,' and 'I'm not ready,' and 'I've been missing all of you for six fucking months.'

[iwasmore]

"I'm not moving on without you," Noah says, looking up at Ronan from where he's still laying flat on his back. He reaches up a hand, wrapping his fingers loosely around Ronan's wrist. He's made friends because people can see him here. He likes to talk to people. He likes to pretend he's still a person, like the rest of them.

That doesn't mean he's going to leave Ronan behind. He can't move forward, anyway. All he can be is what he was was he died, and then less than.

Why can't Ronan see that?

"I'm not replacing you."

[thedreamthief]

"Probably couldn't if you tried," he says, his tone somewhere between bitter and self-deprecating. Except it's not even true anymore, he realizes. Not with the Kavinsky here.

Fuck, even Kavinsky is a better option. At least he has control over his dreams. Does it matter if that control is primarily for his own gain or, when he's particularly bored, just used to fuck with people? At least he can be useful.

Ronan swallows against the ache in his chest, but doesn't pull away when Noah's cool fingers wrap around his wrist. "Anyway, you're doing something. We all are, I guess. We can't go home, there's no Glendower to chase after. Not even any shitty classes to skip. So what is there? What's the fucking point?"

[iwasmore]

Noah runs the pads of his fingers slowly up and down Ronan's arm, reassuring, soothing touches, wanting to gentle his anxiety and anger.

"Just because we may not have been brought here for a purpose doesn't mean we should let ourselves be miserable all the time," he says, turning on his side to better face Ronan. His eyes are wide and earnest. "Why don't you come to the Cat Cafe with me sometime? Cats will make you feel better."

[thedreamthief]

"I'm not going to the cat cafe," Ronan argues, though there's no harshness in his tone and his eyes are still trained on Noah's. "Chainsaw would never forgive me."

It's not an awful idea, though. Even with Blue working there, it might be nice to hang around a bunch of cats for awhile. Animals in general are a lot more difficult to disappoint.

"I'll go if you promise to stop fading," he says, though he knows Noah can't control it. He reaches between them to lightly tug at Noah's shirt, proving to himself that, despite the fading, he's really still here. "It's creepy, man."

[iwasmore]

"Chainsaw doesn't need to know," Noah whispers, a small, almost-there smile on his face.

His smile widens when Ronan touches him, or at least his shirt. He scoots closer with the tug, wrapping his arm around Ronan's waist and tucking his head under Ronan's chin, face pressed snugly against his chest. Noah hums, a soft, contented sound. If he was Prunam he'd be purring. "I'll try," he says, closing his eyes like he's about to take a nice nap.

[thedreamthief]

He's faded, but not so much that Ronan can't feel him, soft hair tickling under Ronan's chin, his arm a solid weight around Ronan's side. He's still cold to the touch, but it's not seeping off of him and a hummed breath vibrating against Ronan's chest.

Ronan pulls in a breath of his own, ducks his head just enough to bury his nose in Noah's hair briefly.

"You're gonna fuck off soon, aren't you?" he murmurs. "Do you ever stay in your own place or just... hop around?"

[iwasmore]

Noah doesn't miss Ronan's nose in his hair, or the way his breath is warm against his scalp when he breathes and speaks. That's his favorite thing about humans, they're always warmer than him and it feels so good to be close to them.

He hasn't gotten to cuddle with Ronan in a long time.

Back in Henrietta, Noah had been the one to find Ronan after his nightmare had attacked him. His skin had been shredded, he'd been bloody and out of it and it had terrified Noah. He knew that it hadn't been a suicide attempt, that Ronan's dreams were real things that could do real harm, and being the only one who knew about it gave him a unique responsibility. He made sure to look out for Ronan, check in on him while he slept. Sometimes, when Ronan would thrash or make noises, caught in the middle of a restless dream, Noah would lay down behind Ronan, hold him and try to keep him calm.

Now there aren't any nightmares, and he has no excuse other than he just wants to. He's been spoiled with affection here in Darrow, and he won't be made to feel ashamed about wanting it - or wanting to give it.

"What am I doing right now that makes you think I'm going to leave?" Noah asks, running his hand idly up and down Ronan's back. "I know I can't always control it, but I'm not planning on it."

[thedreamthief]

"You've got other places to be now," Ronan points out, but again his voice isn't accusatory so much as... resigned.

The feel of Noah tucked in close isn't unusual. There'd been more than a few times back in Henrietta when Ronan had woken with a start, heart in his throat and blood ice cold only to find Noah curled up against his back, petting him and whispering things Ronan could barely make out, quiet and soothing. It'd always made him feel a little bit stupid and a little bit protected both at once.

Sometimes he'd pretend to be asleep a little longer even though he knew Noah could always tell.

He takes another breath, chest aching when he speaks again, the burn of truth. "It's okay if you do. I know things are different here."

Because here Noah has options. Here Noah isn't confined to Monmouth or the Pig or anywhere else he or Gansey or Adam or Blue happen to be. He has a whole city of people who can see him, talk to him, be with him. It probably feels a little like being released from a cage.

And Ronan let Chainsaw loose months ago. He can't expect to keep Noah locked up forever.

Or anyone else.

[iwasmore]

Noah pulls his face back enough so he can look at Ronan. He makes sure Ronan's looking back at him before he replies. "You're still my best friend, if you want to be." He doesn't bother clarifying that he says the same thing to Blue, or that Ronan probably says the same thing to Gansey. They're all each others best friends, the five of them. He also doesn't add that Ronan has to be nice to Cremisius from now on, or at least civil. He'll save that for a later conversation, if he can stick around long enough to forge something besides animosity between the two.

He touches Ronan's forehead, rubbing his eyebrow with his thumb. "I have lots of time for you. It's not like I have to be around other people or Cremisius every day, all day. He has like two jobs and another boyfriend, anyway."

[thedreamthief]

"He has another boyfriend?" Ronan replies, brow furrowing beneath the the brush of Noah's thumb as his lips curve into a frown. Noah doesn't look upset at all though, which is only more confusing, and Ronan can't seem to help the curl of discomfort low in his own gut.

Leaning back a little, he looks at Noah more closely. Still a little faded, but not flickering like the other day. Not yet.

"What the fuck does that mean? Who?"

[iwasmore]

Noah sighs and drags his hand from Ronan's forehead to his hair, fuzzier and longer than he usually keeps it. Noah likes it, it's soft beneath his fingers and palm.

"Don't be mad, it's not like he's cheating on me. I said I was okay with it." He's not going to say who, because he can't guarantee Ronan won't start a fight with him over it. "I don't know what it means. That's just how Cremisius is."

[thedreamthief]

"You said you were okay with it," Ronan replies, still watching him carefully. "But are you?"

Noah can lie. Noah has lied. A part of Ronan feels like Noah's lied for seven years, but he knows that's not really true. Anyway, this is different.

His hands are curling over Ronan's scalp, reminding Ronan he needs to shave in the morning. It's a nice touch though even with as cold as Noah's fingers are.

"You know you don't have to fucking settle or some shit, right?" he says, his frown a distinct scowl now. "He's not gonna be the only person who wants you."

[iwasmore]

Noah's eyebrows raise and he cups Ronan's face with both of his hands, smiling at him in disbelief. "Ronan. I'm dead. Who the hell else is going to want me?"

For him, Cremisius is like some kind of otherworldly miracle. Even if Noah wasn't a ghost, that someone like Krem would want him, would love him? It seems impossible. Not to mention his own feelings for Krem, which are beyond what he thought he could ever experience.

Noah lets go of Ronan's face, hands curled in the space between them. "I know it seems weird, but I'm not settling. I love him, and I want him to be happy. And I'm glad that when I'm gone, he'll have someone else who cares about him like I do."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's scowl doesn't waver even with Noah's cupped hands smooshing his cheeks. He can't see any indication in Noah's expression that he doesn't mean every word he's saying, but it's still difficult for Ronan to fathom.

It's... it's entirely selfless. Ronan may still think Krem is an asshole completely unworthy of Noah, living or otherwise, but it's clear how Noah feels for him. A pure, selfless, unconditional... fuck, Noah's in love.

"Don't fucking talk like that," he snaps, swallowing down the heavy weight in his chest, the overwhelming, suffocating realization that he's let himself cling to a gift that isn't really his for too long, kept Adam in a cage just like the one he tried to fashion for Noah. "You're a ghost," he says, frowning harder when his voice cracks. "You're not going anywhere."

Noah isn't going anywhere, but Ronan is. Ronan will.

And Adam deserves someone he can choose for himself.

[iwasmore]

"Okay, okay," Noah says softly, even though he knows it's a lie. But there is still a sliver of a chance, if Dorian really can help him. Krem seems to believe he can, though just because he thinks so doesn't mean it's a sure thing. Noah doesn't want to get his hopes up.

He pets Ronan's cheek, and kisses his forehead. "I'll try not to."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan knows it's nothing Noah can control, that the best he can do is try. It's unfair for Ronan to ask more from him so he won't.

Especially not now.

Noah's lips are cool against Ronan's forehead and, despite himself, he feels his own lips twitch in a barely-there smile. Ronan can't actually remember the last time someone kissed him there, thinks it was probably his mom. Years ago.

His chest still aches, resignation and dread a horrible mix beneath his ribcage, but he pulls Noah closer, arm heavy over his waist and closes his eyes. "You can go whenever you want," he says, though he knows Noah doesn't really need his permission. "Promise I'll be fine tonight."

And that might be the closest thing to a lie Ronan's ever told.

[iwasmore]

Noah wriggles back down so he's tucked against Ronan with his head under Ronan's chin again. Ronan is taller than him, so it automatically makes him the big spoon anyway. He sighs, contented, and closes his eyes as if sleeping is a thing he'll be able to achieve here. It's probably the closest he can get to it with how warm Ronan is and how happy he is.

"I'll stay until I can't," he says softly. "Good night."