for Ronan

[iwasmore]

Noah had been surprised when Ronan approached him the other day after all the recent animosity. Ronan had seemed so concerned. It was almost like before, back home, when Ronan cared about him. When they were friends, and it was easy. Noah longed to have that back. He just wanted it to be how it used to be with them.

Ronan had told him to hold on, and left like he was going to go do something. Noah hadn't been able to hold on that day, but Castiel had helped him stay tethered, as he called it, giving him enough energy to exist better than he had been. He was still faded, still not quite the corporal shape he could be. But he did exist, and it was better than being nothing at all.

When Ronan didn't come and find him again, Noah decided to look.

He found Ronan in the dark in his bed. Sleeping, maybe. Noah kneeled on the bed next to him, searching him for signs of dreaming.

"Ronan?" he whispered.

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[iwasmore]

"Chainsaw doesn't need to know," Noah whispers, a small, almost-there smile on his face.

His smile widens when Ronan touches him, or at least his shirt. He scoots closer with the tug, wrapping his arm around Ronan's waist and tucking his head under Ronan's chin, face pressed snugly against his chest. Noah hums, a soft, contented sound. If he was Prunam he'd be purring. "I'll try," he says, closing his eyes like he's about to take a nice nap.

[thedreamthief]

He's faded, but not so much that Ronan can't feel him, soft hair tickling under Ronan's chin, his arm a solid weight around Ronan's side. He's still cold to the touch, but it's not seeping off of him and a hummed breath vibrating against Ronan's chest.

Ronan pulls in a breath of his own, ducks his head just enough to bury his nose in Noah's hair briefly.

"You're gonna fuck off soon, aren't you?" he murmurs. "Do you ever stay in your own place or just... hop around?"

[iwasmore]

Noah doesn't miss Ronan's nose in his hair, or the way his breath is warm against his scalp when he breathes and speaks. That's his favorite thing about humans, they're always warmer than him and it feels so good to be close to them.

He hasn't gotten to cuddle with Ronan in a long time.

Back in Henrietta, Noah had been the one to find Ronan after his nightmare had attacked him. His skin had been shredded, he'd been bloody and out of it and it had terrified Noah. He knew that it hadn't been a suicide attempt, that Ronan's dreams were real things that could do real harm, and being the only one who knew about it gave him a unique responsibility. He made sure to look out for Ronan, check in on him while he slept. Sometimes, when Ronan would thrash or make noises, caught in the middle of a restless dream, Noah would lay down behind Ronan, hold him and try to keep him calm.

Now there aren't any nightmares, and he has no excuse other than he just wants to. He's been spoiled with affection here in Darrow, and he won't be made to feel ashamed about wanting it - or wanting to give it.

"What am I doing right now that makes you think I'm going to leave?" Noah asks, running his hand idly up and down Ronan's back. "I know I can't always control it, but I'm not planning on it."

[thedreamthief]

"You've got other places to be now," Ronan points out, but again his voice isn't accusatory so much as... resigned.

The feel of Noah tucked in close isn't unusual. There'd been more than a few times back in Henrietta when Ronan had woken with a start, heart in his throat and blood ice cold only to find Noah curled up against his back, petting him and whispering things Ronan could barely make out, quiet and soothing. It'd always made him feel a little bit stupid and a little bit protected both at once.

Sometimes he'd pretend to be asleep a little longer even though he knew Noah could always tell.

He takes another breath, chest aching when he speaks again, the burn of truth. "It's okay if you do. I know things are different here."

Because here Noah has options. Here Noah isn't confined to Monmouth or the Pig or anywhere else he or Gansey or Adam or Blue happen to be. He has a whole city of people who can see him, talk to him, be with him. It probably feels a little like being released from a cage.

And Ronan let Chainsaw loose months ago. He can't expect to keep Noah locked up forever.

Or anyone else.

[iwasmore]

Noah pulls his face back enough so he can look at Ronan. He makes sure Ronan's looking back at him before he replies. "You're still my best friend, if you want to be." He doesn't bother clarifying that he says the same thing to Blue, or that Ronan probably says the same thing to Gansey. They're all each others best friends, the five of them. He also doesn't add that Ronan has to be nice to Cremisius from now on, or at least civil. He'll save that for a later conversation, if he can stick around long enough to forge something besides animosity between the two.

He touches Ronan's forehead, rubbing his eyebrow with his thumb. "I have lots of time for you. It's not like I have to be around other people or Cremisius every day, all day. He has like two jobs and another boyfriend, anyway."

[thedreamthief]

"He has another boyfriend?" Ronan replies, brow furrowing beneath the the brush of Noah's thumb as his lips curve into a frown. Noah doesn't look upset at all though, which is only more confusing, and Ronan can't seem to help the curl of discomfort low in his own gut.

Leaning back a little, he looks at Noah more closely. Still a little faded, but not flickering like the other day. Not yet.

"What the fuck does that mean? Who?"

[iwasmore]

Noah sighs and drags his hand from Ronan's forehead to his hair, fuzzier and longer than he usually keeps it. Noah likes it, it's soft beneath his fingers and palm.

"Don't be mad, it's not like he's cheating on me. I said I was okay with it." He's not going to say who, because he can't guarantee Ronan won't start a fight with him over it. "I don't know what it means. That's just how Cremisius is."

[thedreamthief]

"You said you were okay with it," Ronan replies, still watching him carefully. "But are you?"

Noah can lie. Noah has lied. A part of Ronan feels like Noah's lied for seven years, but he knows that's not really true. Anyway, this is different.

His hands are curling over Ronan's scalp, reminding Ronan he needs to shave in the morning. It's a nice touch though even with as cold as Noah's fingers are.

"You know you don't have to fucking settle or some shit, right?" he says, his frown a distinct scowl now. "He's not gonna be the only person who wants you."

[iwasmore]

Noah's eyebrows raise and he cups Ronan's face with both of his hands, smiling at him in disbelief. "Ronan. I'm dead. Who the hell else is going to want me?"

For him, Cremisius is like some kind of otherworldly miracle. Even if Noah wasn't a ghost, that someone like Krem would want him, would love him? It seems impossible. Not to mention his own feelings for Krem, which are beyond what he thought he could ever experience.

Noah lets go of Ronan's face, hands curled in the space between them. "I know it seems weird, but I'm not settling. I love him, and I want him to be happy. And I'm glad that when I'm gone, he'll have someone else who cares about him like I do."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's scowl doesn't waver even with Noah's cupped hands smooshing his cheeks. He can't see any indication in Noah's expression that he doesn't mean every word he's saying, but it's still difficult for Ronan to fathom.

It's... it's entirely selfless. Ronan may still think Krem is an asshole completely unworthy of Noah, living or otherwise, but it's clear how Noah feels for him. A pure, selfless, unconditional... fuck, Noah's in love.

"Don't fucking talk like that," he snaps, swallowing down the heavy weight in his chest, the overwhelming, suffocating realization that he's let himself cling to a gift that isn't really his for too long, kept Adam in a cage just like the one he tried to fashion for Noah. "You're a ghost," he says, frowning harder when his voice cracks. "You're not going anywhere."

Noah isn't going anywhere, but Ronan is. Ronan will.

And Adam deserves someone he can choose for himself.

[iwasmore]

"Okay, okay," Noah says softly, even though he knows it's a lie. But there is still a sliver of a chance, if Dorian really can help him. Krem seems to believe he can, though just because he thinks so doesn't mean it's a sure thing. Noah doesn't want to get his hopes up.

He pets Ronan's cheek, and kisses his forehead. "I'll try not to."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan knows it's nothing Noah can control, that the best he can do is try. It's unfair for Ronan to ask more from him so he won't.

Especially not now.

Noah's lips are cool against Ronan's forehead and, despite himself, he feels his own lips twitch in a barely-there smile. Ronan can't actually remember the last time someone kissed him there, thinks it was probably his mom. Years ago.

His chest still aches, resignation and dread a horrible mix beneath his ribcage, but he pulls Noah closer, arm heavy over his waist and closes his eyes. "You can go whenever you want," he says, though he knows Noah doesn't really need his permission. "Promise I'll be fine tonight."

And that might be the closest thing to a lie Ronan's ever told.

[iwasmore]

Noah wriggles back down so he's tucked against Ronan with his head under Ronan's chin again. Ronan is taller than him, so it automatically makes him the big spoon anyway. He sighs, contented, and closes his eyes as if sleeping is a thing he'll be able to achieve here. It's probably the closest he can get to it with how warm Ronan is and how happy he is.

"I'll stay until I can't," he says softly. "Good night."