for Adam

[iwasmore]

Noah liked having a key to Hywel and his own bedroom, even if he didn't live there. It made him feel like he belonged, like a second home. Like back in Henrietta, only this bedroom he could actually use if he wanted to.

He was in Adam's bedroom at the moment, though, sprawled out on the floor with Copper, petting her stomach. Adam's bedroom was still pretty bare, not much in it to make it look like anyone lived there. Noah would have to find some cool stuff at the thrift store to brighten it up. Adam couldn't be trusted to, Noah had seen all the other places he'd lived and they'd all been sparse.

Of course, those were under different conditions.

Adam was on his air mattress, flipping through a Törgt catalog. Noah looked at him upside down from the floor.

"Are you gonna get a bed today?"

Comments

[incognoscibilis]

Hywel should have been a second Monmouth, the Monmouth that Gansey had really wanted. It should have been all five of them, metaphorically or literally curled up close the way they needed it. It should have been a barely-touched bedroom for Ronan because he preferred Adam's. Now Ronan was out bonding with nature or something.

Touch was such a loaded thing for Adam. From his parents, from Ronan, neutral touch didn't exist. Except for Noah, who had always heaped quiet and certain affection on all of them.

"I'm not worried about being happy"

[iwasmore]

Noah's fingers paused a moment, his thumb sweeping over Adam's forehead. He liked that he could touch people now without making them shiver. That his hands looked as real and solid as anyone elses'.

"I know, but you should be. I am," he said, and he didn't mean about himself, he meant he was worried about Adam's happiness. "You're always on survival mode, and you've survived a lot. You've been through a lot. Back home, two weeks ago. I know Ronan hurt you. But you can't just survive."

"I don't want to pull the, hey I'm dead, enjoy your life while you have it thing. But...hey, I'm dead. Enjoy your life while you have it. You can at least have a real bed, man."

[incognoscibilis]

Every touch from Noah in this body felt like some combination of thanks and benediction. He couldn't help marveling at what he'd done, whatever small part he'd played in the creation of this body for Noah.

"How did we go from Ronan to buying a bed?" He stammered a little, stumbling on a hundred double entendres before searching out the phrasing that was the most innocuous and the least painful.

"And I'm not hurting."

[iwasmore]

Noah sighed and moved his hand away, instead resting his head on Adam's shoulder. "Because it's all the same. What I'm saying is, life sucks sometimes, so buy yourself something nice."

"Also, you can't lie to me," Noah murmured, and tapped his forehead to remind Adam how he sometimes knew things he probably shouldn't. He hadn't even realized he'd been doing it until he'd had it pointed out by someone. He still didn't even know most of the time when he was hearing something extra.

[incognoscibilis]

Unknowable. Adam always thought of himself as so detached, so removed from it all. He would never be truly Aglionby–never be as moneyed and at ease–nor would he be whatever it meant to be Henrietta without Aglionby. He always felt that way, but then Noah could somehow bury his way right in and get past all the walls that Adam had shored up.

"I'm not lying to you. It just isn't relevant." Adam couldn't allow it to be relevant. "He thought I was gone for good. He moved on. I came back. It's over."

That's all there was.

[iwasmore]

Noah thought it was pretty relevant, but it wasn't for him to decide. He would do everything he could to protect Adam and keep him safe, but he couldn't re-wire his brain. All he could do was be there for him.

"Alright. I'll stop bothering you about it, but...I just want to say, he didn't move on. He panicked and made a colossally stupid mistake. I don't even have to be able to get inside his head to know he regrets it."

It was Ronan's mistake to make up for, his to explain. Not Noah. But Ronan clearly hadn't done a good enough job if Adam though he'd moved on.

[incognoscibilis]

"He thinks Cabeswater is controlling me." At this point, Adam allowed himself to indulge in a morose tone of voice. "That the only reason I wanted him was because Cabeswater wants to make him happy."

Adam sighed, flipped the catalog closed, and shifted a little. Even with Noah on his good side, Adam still had to face him to get the full message. He'd always been good at reading faces as a means of self-defense. Now he did it to pass for someone normal, someone not broken.

[iwasmore]

Noah could only stare at Adam at first, mostly in disbelief. If the situation wasn't so awful for his friends, he might have laughed at the idea. He didn't even think Cabeswater could get Adam to do anything like that, other than be rudely pushy so he'd move some rocks around.

"I'm a ghost and I can't even possess anyone. He's giving Cabeswater a lot of credit," Noah said slowly, trying not to be too sarcastic about it for Adam's sake.

[incognoscibilis]

Adam tried for a derisive laugh but that was more a Ronan sound than an Adam one and it didn't look right on him. Sighing, he forced himself to look back into the catalog.

"I shouldn't be surprised." It wasn't the first time that someone thought Adam Parrish's actions weren't his own.