(no subject)

[iwasmore]

Noah wishes he could say he's not in his right mind, but he knows exactly what he's doing. He's sober in every possible way, too sober, which is why he's looking for another way to lose himself. He doesn't really do one night stands, which is evidenced by the poor decision he'd made of asking one on a date. Lesson learned, but there's still a problem: he doesn't know anyone else he can have casual sex with. Because that's what he needs right now. He wants that night with Freddie again, where nothing mattered except that it felt good. But Freddie is the only one he can think of to have that with, and he isn't sure Freddie actually wants to see him again.

In the end he decides to try. It isn't like he can humiliate himself much worse than he already has.

He finds Freddie the way he finds everyone else, but walks through the bar's front door like a human. There's a moment of hesitation, a gathering of nerves and courage, and then Noah moves to Freddie's side. "Hey."

Comments

[iwasmore]

Without thinking, Noah puts an arm around Freddie's waist. He hates to think that Freddie's lonely, a feeling he knows all too well despite his friends being here, and his Darrow friends besides. Sometimes you can feel lonely even when you're surrounded by people you love, but especially when you aren't.

"I'd say you should come live with us in our warehouse, but we're...kind of an insular group. Or we used to be. This place really changes things."

[thisfaceismine]

Freddie's not expecting Noah to step in close and wind an arm around his middle and he isn't quite sure how to react at first, muscles going tense for a moment before he lets himself ease into it. Carefully, he slides an arm over Noah's shoulders and smiles a bit as Noah keeps talking.

"Changes things how?" he asks because he's never really had a group of friends, insular or otherwise. Not close ones anyhow.

[iwasmore]

Noah smiles to himself when Freddie puts an arm around him, feeling more settled in that moment than he has in days.

"Changes things, like..." He pauses, trying to figure out how exactly to put it in words, especially without having to explain everything. "Henrietta, where we came from, is a lot different than Darrow. Our lives were different. We all had this common goal, there was something we were looking for together. Now, here, it's like. There's nothing really to do, and I think that's part of it. And there are new friends, and different timelines. Things we miss. People we miss..."

[thisfaceismine]

The timelines bit Freddie's aware of, having met people like Philip, people not only from different countries or worlds, but different times in history. It's all a bit more than he truly wrap his head around, but at least the concept isn't brand new.

"What were you looking for?" he asks because that part is curious. It's likely something annoyingly metaphorical, he thinks. "Why can't you look for it here?"

[iwasmore]

"No, I mean, like I came here from 2013, say, and one of my friends comes from 2014. Sort of thing," Noah says without thinking. Different time periods don't have much to do with it, it's what they've experienced with each other. "What really shook everyone up, for instance, is that our friend Gansey was here in Darrow, and then he disappeared. But now he's back, and he's from later. But he doesn't remember this place at all of course. So that's...that's more what I meant."

"But, anyway," he continues with a sigh, "we were looking for a sleeping king's tomb. So that's not going to be here." He almost laughs at the idea, though they all know about Glendower now, so it's not like it matters. But it wasn't even that anyway. It was that they were on the quest together that mattered. Now they're just...living.

[thisfaceismine]

It's an odd response, quite frankly, in many ways, but largely because Noah seems to be explaining something Freddie hasn't asked about. Certainly not out loud.

Frowning a bit, he slows his steps. He's met wizards here now. More than one, even. And he's heard tell of vampires and werewolves though he's reasonably sure he's yet to meet a single one, thankfully. It stands to reason there could be something different about Noah and, as he considers some of the events that have taken place, he realizes what it is.

"Are you a mind-reader?" he asks, stopped now in the middle of the pavement as he turns to look at Noah straight on.

[iwasmore]

The arm around him falls away, as does his own, and Noah comes to a stop, slowly wringing his hands. He should just tell Freddie, but he heard that, too; thankfully. Thankfully he hasn't met a vampire or werewolf. Noah's something weird, too, and he and Freddie have...been intimate. Noah isn't sure if it's worse to keep it from him for this long, or to tell him and freak him out.

And maybe, selfishly, he wants this for himself. It's kind of nice having a friend who doesn't know. Who doesn't pity him or think he's weird, even just a little. To Freddie, he's normal.

Or he was.

"No," Noah says finally. But while he doesn't want to tell Freddie he's dead, he doesn't want to lie, either. "I can hear thoughts sometimes." His voice goes quiet and he averts his eyes. "Sorry I didn't tell you."

[thisfaceismine]

Noah looks nervous, Freddie notes, his blue eyes wide as he stares at Freddie and doesn't answer right away.

"Isn't that the same thing?" he asks, frowning a bit at Noah's response. "And what do you mean sometimes?" It's an uncomfortable thought, he realizes. How much of what's gone on in his head has Noah been able to hear? It does explain the shift in his mood during their date, but does it also account for how good the sex is? That Noah knows what to say or do or touch because he hears Freddie thinking about it? "Can you not control it?"

[iwasmore]

"I don't know." Noah's never thought of himself being a mind reader. Mind readers are always colorfully dressed ladies with crystal balls, not...him.

"Sometimes because--" He pauses and shrugs, unable to explain it like so many other things. "Because just sometimes. I can't control it, I don't know how. And every now and then I hear it and I don't realize it's a thought, so I accidentally reply."

"When we have sex, you don't really think in words, so," he adds nervously, quiet like a whisper. He doesn't even smile to hear that Freddie thinks it's good.

[thisfaceismine]

"Do you read feelings, too?" Freddie asks, not even certain why it matters or if it does at all. It shouldn't feel surprising given that he's in an alternate dimension or pocket universe or whatever it is people here call it. It shouldn't be surprising, but it is.

He takes a step back as the unease sharpens. "How much do you know about me that I haven't told you?"

[iwasmore]

"No, and nothing." He throws his arms up. "I can't think of anything."

Except that he does, right after he says it, he remembers.

He looks away again, embarrassed, stomach sinking. "Well. You compared me to that guy you hate." Part of him wonders why he sought Freddie out again, and if it's a lack of self-respect or something else entirely that he overlooks so much. "Lance," he mumbles, in case Freddie doesn't even remember.

[thisfaceismine]

"Lance?" Freddie replies, frowning as he turns his head away, desperately trying to remember why he would ever think of Lance in relation to Noah.

And then it hits him, that night they'd first copped off, Noah's explanations about how his boyfriend wouldn't let him touch his cock or go down on him. He nearly laughs then, a rough, almost hysterical sound because this is all bloody crazy. And the last thing anyone needs is to be inside Freddie's head of all places.

"I don't hate Lance," he explains, his tone almost defensive now. "I barely even knew him. He's just the ex-boyfriend of an ex-flatmate. And he's dead anyway."

And that's hardly even scratching the surface, but all the shit surrounding Henry is about the last thing Freddie wants to talk about. Besides, Noah can likely hear it anyway so it's not like actually needs to explain a damn thing.

[iwasmore]

Noah frowns at Freddie's laughter, finally looking back over at him, and visibly startles when he says Lance is dead. His mouth falls open. "Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry to hear that."

Jesus.

He wishes he could think of something to reassure Freddie, and he wonders if it will be too uncomfortable now. If that's it.

"If I could hear everything, if I knew everything, I wouldn't have asked you out, would I? Because I would have known you didn't want to, and I would have known...I just would have. And I didn't. I promise, I'm not trying to hear your private stuff. I don't want to know any secrets. Sometimes things just filter through," he says, grasping at straws.

[thisfaceismine]

Freddie's waving aside Noah's apology before he can even finish, shaking head dismissively.

"I didn't know him," he says again both because it's true and because he refuses to care. Lance's death had been fucking horrible, but he'd never been Freddie's boyfriend. Or even friend. It shouldn't be his shit to have to deal with.

His frown deepens as Noah's voice grows more frantic. "And it's not that I didn't want to go on a date with you," he tries to explain and, even if it's not a lie, he knows it sounds stupid. "I just know what I'm good at, yeah? I've had a few years to figure it out. And dating, seriously dating is not it." If he's honest, there's an extremely short list of things he's good at, but Noah doesn't need to know that. He'll figure it out soon enough.

[iwasmore]

Noah hadn't wanted it to be serious. That was actually the last thing he wanted. After being in a committed relationship for so long, and having it become something he wasn't prepared for, all he'd wanted with Freddie was to have fun. But he also didn't want Freddie thinking about leaving with someone else in the middle of a date, either. Part of him wants to explain, but he knows he doesn't want to try again, so it doesn't matter. And he doesn't want to make Freddie feel like he isn't worth seriously dating, because he is.

"You have a hard time staying with just one person?" Noah guesses, taking Freddie's hand and smiling a little.

[thisfaceismine]

It's not even that, Freddie thinks as Noah reaches for his hand. He glances down at where their fingers meet and nearly yanks his hand back. He feels exposed somehow despite Noah's promise that he's not really heard anything that's a secret. Only how is Noah to know what's a secret and what's not? Freddie's always been particular about what he shares, what he allows people to know. It's a method he had to learn early and it's one he's stuck with.

And now none of it matters. Not when he's around Noah.

"They never last is all," he says, pulling his hand back then as he resolutely tries to not think of anything. "Don't see much of a point. You want to know why I thought of Lance?" he continues, his tone taking on a sharp edge, claws coming out. "He and Henry broke up because Henry refused to fuck him. Or be fucked. They were together nine years. Nine years Henry strung him along, the whole time steadfastly refusing to fuck. And that was you, wasn't it?" He cocks his head to the side, tone almost mocking now. "Least you had the sense to get out of it sooner."

[iwasmore]

Noah may have been hurt if any of that had been even a little true, and maybe if he did't recognize Freddie's scathing reply for what it really was.

He calmly pulls his hand back, slipping both of his into his pockets, and regards Freddie with a neutral expression.

"I don't know where you got that idea from, but you're wrong. We fucked plenty, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he wanted to fuck other people. He warned me awhile into the relationship, but I thought he was just interested in two people in particular. But that wasn't it, and I didn't know how handle it. I didn't want to become some jealous monster. So find someone else to compare me to."

[thisfaceismine]

"But you said you'd never sucked a cock," Freddie replies, suddenly wondering how much of what Noah's told him is a lie. If he was saying it all just to sound enticing somehow when honestly, Freddie hadn't cared. He's attracted to Noah regardless of how many dicks he's sucked. "Or been fucked." Was it always the other way 'round or were you lying?"

He makes no remark on Noah's issue with monogamy. It hadn't been his relationship and he's yet to even meet Noah's ex. Doesn't even know his name. It's smart he'd ended it, but it's got nothing to do with Freddie.

[iwasmore]

Noah groans and rubs his cheek where the smudge would have been if not for the spell. "I wasn't lying. He's transgender," Noah says, his voice going quiet. "I didn't say so because it's not your business." And he wasn't sure if that's something Krem would want him talking about with others. Cremisius is still the only transgender person he's ever known, he doesn't know if that's something that's his to tell, even if they'd been in a relationship.

[thisfaceismine]

For a long moment, Freddie's absolutely silent.

It's not something he'd thought of, that possibility, and he suddenly feels like an absolute arsehole. That sensation is hardly uncommon for him, but it's rarely in this sort of avenue. His lips twist into a grimace and he shakes his head. "That's... Shit, I didn't realize."

He wants to point out that he's not some sort of bigot, that he doesn't actually care about that sort of thing. A part of him wants to mention Helen and how he's hooked up a couple trans people in his life, but it would all come off as defensive now, he knows. And it's not like he actually owes Noah an explanation anyway.

But still... "I'm an arse, yeah?" he says, crossing his arms tight over his chest. "But not that kind of arse, I swear. Just didn't think about it."

[iwasmore]

"It's okay," Noah says, waving it off. "You're not an ass." He doubts he would have assumed it, either, and maybe he should have said something when Freddie mentioned a real cock as opposed to a toy, but it was while they were in the middle of...things. Maybe he should have kept the fact that he'd never sucked a cock to himself, too. Maybe he talks too much in general.

"I think I'm just bad at this," he says with a breathy laugh, frowning at the ground.

[thisfaceismine]

"Bad at what?" Freddie replies, frowning as Noah ducks his head.

He doesn't bother arguing Noah's opinion of him; he knows well enough what he is and he doesn't care. He absolutely does not care. People can think what they will of him and he'll carry on with his life without them. It's always been the way of things.

[iwasmore]

Noah makes a face and glances back up, shoulders slowly scrunching in a shrug. "Knowing what to say or not to say. Relationships. People. Everything," he answers. He pauses a moment, considering. "Mostly people."

Or trying to be a person, a human, living person, when he isn't.

"I don't think you're an ass," he adds, because it bears repeating.

[thisfaceismine]

Noah's insistence catches under his skin. It sounds sincere is the thing, like he means it even if Freddie knows better. Noah may not think he's an arsehole just yet, but he will soon enough.

"But you can read minds," Freddie argues. "Or hear thoughts, at least. Whatever. Doesn't that give you an edge up on most things?" Because, as far as he's concerned, there's nothing wrong with Noah. He'd never have guessed the mind-reading thing until Noah's slip tonight. He catches then, realizing before says, "Or does it make it worse because you can hear when everyone's lying?"

[iwasmore]

Noah shakes his head. "It makes it worse, but not even because of any lies. It makes things awkward, and-- think about it, I totally misinterpreted the Lance thing. My friends who know? They don't want me hearing anything, either, I'm sure. They have to be uncomfortable around me."

"I don't want to hear what people are thinking. I just want to be normal like everyone else."