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Oct. 6th, 2015 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Noah felt desolate and adrift. He'd never fought with his friends. Ronan would fight with Blue, Gansey would fight with Adam, Blue would fight with Adam, and every interchangeable combination between the four of them. Noah always managed to stay out of it. Someone would get mad at him, and he'd slump and go quiet and it would blow over. He didn't have the tangle of issues they had; his issues were mostly his corporeal state, and it wasn't like there was anyone to fight with about that.
Seeing Ronan attacking Krem, seeing the both of them fighting like they wanted to tear each other apart, had taken Noah back to a place he never wanted to go. The one thing he never wanted to think about. When you think someone's your best friend, and it turns violent with that person you trusted. Noah knew Ronan could be violent, but not with one of theirs. Krem might not have been Ronan's friend, but he was Noah's, shouldn't that have been enough?
And why, when Noah was so angry with him, did Ronan walking away hurt so much?
Noah had left the park without checking on Cremisius. He hadn't meant to, he just hadn't been able to hold on anymore. Now he found himself outside Hywell. He wasn't even sure how much time had passed between the fight and here. He didn't feel like he had a right to be here; what if Ronan was inside? He didn't want to look at him, right now.
Noah walked away, not sure where he belonged anymore.
Seeing Ronan attacking Krem, seeing the both of them fighting like they wanted to tear each other apart, had taken Noah back to a place he never wanted to go. The one thing he never wanted to think about. When you think someone's your best friend, and it turns violent with that person you trusted. Noah knew Ronan could be violent, but not with one of theirs. Krem might not have been Ronan's friend, but he was Noah's, shouldn't that have been enough?
And why, when Noah was so angry with him, did Ronan walking away hurt so much?
Noah had left the park without checking on Cremisius. He hadn't meant to, he just hadn't been able to hold on anymore. Now he found himself outside Hywell. He wasn't even sure how much time had passed between the fight and here. He didn't feel like he had a right to be here; what if Ronan was inside? He didn't want to look at him, right now.
Noah walked away, not sure where he belonged anymore.
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Date: 2015-10-07 02:52 pm (UTC)"Ronan, he..." Noah takes a deep breath, stalling. He wants to tell her, but it's hard to find the words. "He fought with Cremisius."
That's not all, but the words die in his throat all the same.
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Date: 2015-10-08 05:29 pm (UTC)Ronan fighting with someone is mostly just a good confirmation that they're alive, but she furrows her brow. "With Krem?" She's not totally ignorant of the fact that Krem's friends with Adam, but it's not like there's any cause for jealousy there, what with Adam and Ronan clearly having worked things out. And Noah dating Krem.
Though Ronan is possessive, protective, the way Gansey is but more aggressively so. That turns over in her stomach, a little.
"What were they fighting about?" she asks, chewing on her lip and reaching for Noah, instinctively, to put an arm around his waist.
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Date: 2015-10-08 07:50 pm (UTC)"I don't even know, they just hate each other. I showed up and they were in the middle of attacking each other. Ronan was like, lunging for Cremisius' neck, and I think Cremisius may have broken his nose," he stops a moment, the image of it still burned in his mind. Even though he's angry with Ronan, he hated that, seeing his face so...smashed.
"Ronan said I picked sides, and Cremisius said Ronan started the fight because he thinks he owns people. A-and then Ronan said we're done." Noah's words trail off, breath hitching, eyes burning again with the threat of tears.
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Date: 2015-10-08 09:59 pm (UTC)The description curdles in her stomach: she can't reconcile the image. She can imagine plenty of things that might set Ronan off, especially since he's younger than them, even those few months enough to leave him a little more angry and a little less settled to who he is, what he can lose. But she can't see them trying to tear each other apart, can't even deal with the notion. She'd approved of Krem: he was charming and patient and just a little shy about Noah, but Ronan's still the same boy who let himself cry on her shoulder at the lake, whether or not he remembers that.
Anger flares up in her, though, at the idea of Ronan telling Noah -- of all people -- that he picked sides. "Picked sides?" she repeats, her voice going cold. "What sides? There aren't sides. Or there wouldn't be, if --"
The hell of it is that Cremisius is probably right. Almost definitely. Somehow it feels almost as bad as Adam confronting her about not kissing him. Like Ronan's owed something by virtue of blessing them with his presence, some sort of forswearing of anyone else ever. She wants to go yell at his stupid face. They're not at home anymore, not anywhere where everything feels solid, and Ronan has to dig his hands into sore spots? With Noah as collateral damage?
"He doesn't mean that," she says, and her voice is done with it. She tries to reign her fury back in a little, turning to wrap her arms around Noah. "You know he doesn't mean that. Ronan's just -- being Ronan."
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Date: 2015-10-08 11:51 pm (UTC)He knows she means the part about Ronan saying they're over, but maybe they should be over if that's the way Ronan is going to treat him and Krem.
"You don't understand, Blue," he says, his voice wind-blown and faded in the way he looks sometimes. "I love Cremisius, and he loves me, and it's not like-- it's a big deal. I'm a fucking ghost. He has Adam, he should be happy! Why would he want to try and ruin it for me?" He knows he's just getting worked up again, the temperature lowering. He's probably draining Blue's energy without meaning to, so he tries to calm down. He doesn't want to disappear again.
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Date: 2015-10-09 03:16 am (UTC)Blue shakes her head, but doesn't move away. She's not going anywhere; even if no one else feels inclined to keep them all together, she does. "No, that's not what I meant -- that's." She sets her jaw. "Whatever the hell Ronan thinks he has the right to get angry about, you don't hurt your friends like that. You don't hurt people your friends care about. You don't ask people to -- choose. That's no one's right."
That makes her angry too, ferociously so. Krem is Adam's friend too. Ronan's not just asking for choices to be made by Noah by starting fights with him. They're not supposed to -- there are too many other people who would love to hurt them to do this. Too much lost.
She blinks, though, at Noah's next words. "You love him?" she asks, startled out of wanting to rain down verbal hell upon Ronan. It's not a judgement, just honest surprise. She suddenly wants to cry, more than anything else, and can't place what caused it. Because it is a big deal. Because it shouldn't be happening like this. Ronan should be happy, with Adam and for Noah. He should be teasing Noah in the regular asshole way, not hurting him in the manipulative shithead way. Because it makes her feel weirdly lonely, like there's so much going on without her being able to affect any of it. Because she can't ever be caught up in love the way the others could be, because she's pretty much either going to fall even more in love with Gansey and lose him, or kill him herself, or both. Because she is anyway, with them all in one way or another, enough to make her chest hurt, and she can't do anything about anything.
Wanting to cry just makes her want to punch Ronan more.
"He's afraid," she bites off. She can feel herself shiver, but she doesn't pull away, offering Noah the energy if he needs it. As long as he's not dangerous, or -- right now, going somewhere -- she might as well be good for something.
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Date: 2015-10-09 04:28 am (UTC)He presses his face to her hair, a cross between a kiss and a nuzzle, and buries his words there. "I love him. Like I love you." And the others. Even Ronan, despite what he's done. It is different with Krem for obvious reasons. A love made different from intimacy, different experiences, feelings he doesn't share with his friends. A deeper love that he hadn't even realized was possible. Not for him. But at his core, he loves them all.
And Blue deserves to hear it from someone, even if it's just from him.
"Don't be sad, Blue. I'm not the only one."
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Date: 2015-10-09 07:03 pm (UTC)"I love you too," she says, fiercely, and is done with interrogating what the hell that means right now. It's important. It's more important than knowing.
She picks up her head, eyes wet despite herself, and can feel herself flush a little at that. "That's not what I'm sad about," she says, but she wants to ask him what he knows, and she stands on tiptoes to impulsively kiss his cheek for knowing to say it.
"I'm just. I'm happy for you," she says, and means it. "You get to be happy, and loved, and -- This whole thing is bullshit. We're not supposed to do this to each other." They, who have come so nearly to giving their lives for each other, who would, she thinks, are not the ones who are supposed to be ripping at the seams.
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Date: 2015-10-09 07:44 pm (UTC)"It's okay. It'll be okay. I'll...I'll work it out, with Ronan," he says, and he will. For her. For all of them, because she's right. They're supposed to be friends, especially now, more than ever. They should be pulling together, not falling apart.
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Date: 2015-10-09 10:23 pm (UTC)"And Ronan needs to work it out with you. He's the one acting like a dick."
She wants them to stick together, but she doesn't want Noah to let himself get stepped on.
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Date: 2015-10-10 12:50 am (UTC)"But we both know he won't," he adds, wryly, his small smile disappearing. Ronan isn't exactly the best at talking, or working through his feelings in a way that doesn't involve driving dangerously fast in his BMW or punching holes through walls. "I'll find him. Later."
"I have to go find Cremisius. I haven't seen him since the fight. But, can we meet up later? If he's not...mad at me, you could come over to Cremisius' and we could all watch movies until we fall asleep or something. He's never seen anything."
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Date: 2015-10-12 04:15 am (UTC)"It's not momming to think you got the short end of the stick here," she retorts, but she's back to smiling a little. Noah's easy to be around. Maybe that's why she's so defensive of him. That and the fact that he sort of continually gets the short end of the stick, but that's a different story.
"Yeah, well." She rolls her eyes. "Someday he needs to learn how to speak." She knows Ronan way too well: she'd enjoy punching through a wall more than talking right now too. "Good," she says with what she hopes is a minimum of grump about it, because it is good. "Do it when you feel like it."
"Go," she says, and then nods, feeling sort of warm at the idea of just curling up with someone right now. "I'd really like that," she admits. "My family never really took us to the movies? Too busy and too expensive. So if there's something that everyone needs to have watched, besides like -- Star Wars, or Jurassic Park or The Lion King or something, you probably get first choice."
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Date: 2015-10-12 05:10 pm (UTC)"So no Jurassic Park. Even if that is an awesome movie," he says with as much of a smile as he can muster. "I'll text you later, with the time and Cremisius' address and everything, okay?"